Hey, Hive. Third night in a row and I’m pretty happy about it. I’ve been trying to reestablish this routine in my life because I do think it’s good for me to have a writing outlet. My career has changed a lot. I was facing obstacles over the last year or so. I started the dark pinup genre as a way to carve out a distinction of my style within an industry that I didn’t fit into. Eventually, it became so popular that everyone now shoots a darker style in pinup. Shadow banning by Instagram and most recently, a massive internal change for me as I’ve been so closely affected by Gaza. It’s hard to focus on lingerie models with the trauma on my phone every morning.
The photos I’m sharing tonight are of my friend Emilie and they’re the first images I’ve shot since August of 2023. Honestly, I had a lot of anxiety about it. The world has changed and I’ve changed so much in the last six months, I didn’t know if I’d be able to have my heart in the shoot. Prior to the session, I felt weird even considering it. I’ve been contributing to my Minneapolis community documenting protests here in the Twin Cities which has given me a sense or purpose in a way that pinup photography hasn’t for a very long time. I didn’t know if mentally and emotionally I’d be able to switch gears.
Emilie and I have know each other for over a decade now. She lives out of state and she’s been flying into the Twin Cities for private sessions before her birthday consistently for all this time. That did help. I may have been more uneasy if it was a first time client, but fortunately we seemed to pick up without much trouble. I used to be mused by the seduction of the process and energy of the shoot. That, I can be honest about, I wasn’t feeling, but I was able to still create meaningful compositions with strong diegetic light exposures. I know Emilie is going to love these edits so I feel I did my job.
It is a weird time for me right now. I’m really questioning the last 23 years of my photography career. It isn’t that I regret it, and it’s okay to acknowledge that this time has come and gone. The chapter is closed; maybe with the exception of a shoot here and there for fun or if I need the money, but the career has reached the end. I’m okay with that. My heart isn’t in it like it once was. I’m focusing a lot on illustration and that’s been bringing me fulfillment in ways I haven’t enjoyed in a long time. Right now, I’m lost but I’m wandering in the direction of what feels right, listening to my internal moral and spiritual compass.