I
learned this morning that directly over the back fence from the apartment complex I live in, a sensory deprivation float centre is opening up. I know, fuck me, right? It is doubly interesting because I have been struggling with asthma, hypertension and a 'sense of impending doom'. It has several causes, but at the root of it is the hypertension.
The people who saw me in the sorry state I was in at Steemfest would remember the most part of the first day I was mostly sitting down, often squatting, because my breathing was so difficult, I felt like I was going to drop dead along the 4km or so walk that I had to take from the place where I was sleeping (in the first floor terrace of an at the time empty apartment in Oud West, nearby the main homeless drop in centre that I spent most of my time during the day inside to stay warm and fed.
The asthma, or bronchitis, or whatever it was, at different times in the time from then until now, continued, triggered first by a cold, and then by flu, and though I didn't know it at the time, since I had never had such severe or chronic asthma before, it persisted and continued long after the primary pathogenic causes was out of my system - Turns out two side effects, which I now am convinced in my physiology, are linked, specifically related to the hypertension, which both hypertension and bronchoconstriction are (I shit you not) potential side effects of Salbutamol Sulphate, the drug in Ventolin inhalers.
Really, I am not kidding. It was the first time I have had it so bad in my life, it was worse than the first bad episode around the age of 9, which was triggered by the stress of my parents divorce and my father's aggression against me, the second time I was 15, in year 10 at school, triggered this time by a particularly vicious english teacher (and not the first english teacher who tortured me in highschool either, the second one was responsible for demonstrating to me that I was not there to learn but to become obeisant and compliant, which triggered a massive rebellion in me that has persisted since, involved in how I ended up getting into psychedelic and stimulant drugs, Anarchism and conspiracy theory/alt science.
The 3rd bout of severe asthma happened as I was placed in what was basically the gypsy section of the low security prison in Kazichene, 20km south of Sofia, with an african and moldovan (They did not fully segregate us in there, as they did in the central prison or the G.M. Dimitrov remand centre, the policy was Bulgarians, Gypsies and Foreigners, after an incident where a gypsy got nearly beaten to death in Sofia Central Prison was captured with a contraband cellphone and published to the internet). The primary trigger, as I learned, with so much time on my hands to do elimination testing, which was worth doing because it was so hellishly painful and debilitating, was wheat protein. Secondary triggers were other grains (except corn), milk protein, and in descending order of duration and intensity, I was also reacting to melon fruits (cucumbers, watermelon, which was a real downer in summer), solanacae (tomatoes, capsicums, probably potato skins would have done it but we were rarely fed potatoes).
There may have been other triggers but these all I positively identified. The theory, which I was quite sure of but never before built so much evidence, was that the hard modern varieties of wheat proteins, which are not the same as they were before a big breeding program by the USDA or maybe it was them plus some big agra seed companies, causes the villi in the intestines to be sheared off progressively, until it causes millions of tiny breaches in the intestinal membrane big enough to allow peptides to slip through the membrane into the bloodstream.
By the way, this is a suspected cause of the epidemic of Autism, and in my opinion more likely than just vaccines, which certainly are involved. On this last point, an 'adjuvant' which is to say, an additive in the vaccine that intensifies the immune reaction to the introduction of dead pathogens, and Thimerosal, though it is an anti-oxidative agent, is also an adjuvant, the other is Squalene, which happens to be a natural fatty compound composing a large part of nerve insulation sheaths both inside the brain and outside - triggers, in the latter case, an autoimmune reaction where the body imprints antibodies against the squalene, which does not belong floating around in the bloodstream, and then starts to eat the nerve sheaths, which is what is happening with Multiple Sclerosis and Autism, and Autism also involves inflammation in the brain, which is also related to the vaccine caused alteration of immune function.
Inflammation is an immune response that increases blood flow to the area where there is foreign organisms growing, and the other immune function is the antibodies, which are basically epigenetic peptide sequences that the immune system 'remembers' how to kill the pathogens. Inflammation in the brain, depending on what areas it is localised in, causes a variety of psychiatric disorders because of critical input/output systems (memory is stored throughout the brain, but the data in and out is localised to specific organs, like the ones that link to the optic nerves, the ones that control autonomic functions (in the base of the brain) the part that controls the attention (frontal lobe), the hippocampus (which takes short term memory from the input system and imprintn it into the distributed memory storage of long term memory).
Thus, where the inflammation takes root, can lead to cognitive malfunctions that depend entirely on the location, though the general cause can be the same. Yes, this is what Trepanation is about, by the way, it gives the brain a few more inches of space, and is a very ancient method of treating insanity.
So,
anyway, back to the topic of my asthma and hypertension problem, as I said, I have discovered that frequent use of salbutamol seems to build up a longer term effect that seems to start up about 8-12 hours after I use ventolin, leading to me using it again, and perpetuating the problem. I believe that it is probably the disablement of some particular enzyme or other endocrine system function, causing a malfunction in my cardio-pulmonary circuit. For the last few days I have been weaning myself off the ventolin, but it's been very hard to do, because I have been waking up in the middle of the night, after a certain amount of time, wheezing and when I learned that this could be being caused by the ventolin, I wanted to throw that thing away...
Well, I am throwing it away this afternoon, because I need to kill the temptation to use it. But I have a plan, that was inspired by my discovery that on the 15th of may, 2 weeks time, there is a sensory deprivation float tank therapy centre opening. At first I thought it was always open, but their facebook page has not been around for very long. They have their marketing plastered to the windows all around the below-ground and first floor area on one side of the building apart from the residential entrance, but it all looks brand new. I want to be in that tank NOW! But that is not possible, so I am improvising something.
I first heard of light deprivation therapy a long time ago in Byron Bay, when I was about 19-20 years old (circa 1997) which is claimed to produce similar effects as sensory deprivation tanks, and somehow related to a hormonal change that is also related to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Here is a google search, and several links to this specific thing (not SAD, but the potential of light deprivation as a treatment for certain problems):
This first one relates to a potential recovery mechanism from damage to the parietal lobe:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9521550
About what this kind of damage causes - basically a disordering of the brain's ability to recognise things, describe them, calculate them... Perhaps something that could look a bit like ADD I guess in mild form:
http://www.brainandspinalcord.org/parietal-lobe-brain-injury/
This one is about the effect on general affect and arousal in the brain caused by light deprivation (SAD):
http://www.pnas.org/content/105/12/4898
I want to highlight this one, because I have hyper-activation, not depression. My mother also has a similar problem, it is a classic test done with antidepressant drugs so-called 'swim test' which is basically essentially inducing post traumatic stress disorder. If my hypothesis is right, light deprivation will slow down my nervous system. Obviously, with me having good reason to be concerned that my cardiopulmonary system is hyperactive, then slowing it down would be very helpful.
Note that I am also, like my mother, an 'early riser'. What this actually means is that our circadian reset trigger is hypersensitive. You can barely see the increase in ambient light that is required to wake me up. It can even operate when the space is partially blacked out, and recent research has found that blue light is specifically responsible for triggering this enzyme change in the pineal gland, near the top of the skull, which also has a trigger mechanism in the optic nerves at the back of the eyes.
In other words, being in total darkness might be the medicine I am most desperately needing, overall. I have tried to treat my nervousness with topical application of magnesium salts, soaks, and even intravenous, but its effect was mild at best. This is also why I have been on about the paleo diet thing - the proteins in grains, especially modern hyper-bred varieties, is very destructive to the membranes of my intestines, which leads to insufficient time of movement of food, and magnesium is one of the most slowly absorbed minerals.
But after my experimentation with IV, which I was doing during the time I first started writing for Steem, while it helped a little, I now recognise that the long dark winter during which I spent a lot of time underground in a transformer room below the central park of Sofia, might explain how, despite how terrible my diet was (and finding food once the snow starts is VERY difficult) - that in fact this light deprivation may have been reducing my nervous arousal level and thus making me feel a lot better. It is also notable that this was precisely during the time I developed my 'electron fog' gravity hypothesis.
It is also notable, that since the exact frequency of light produced by blue LEDs, has been idiotically installed as indicator lights in so many electronic devices in the last few years, I am sure that this has been contributing to the continuing escalation of my problem, which repeated instances of long term diet change, iodine supplementation, and so forth have all had varying degrees of effect (iodine particularly), light deprivation is an avenue I have not explored yet, and inspired by the new sensory deprivation float tank opening up, I thought, 'This might be worth a try'. Because try as I might, fixing the diet issue is difficult, it requires me to be very disciplined when I am visiting shops, and the exhausted overactivation of my nervous system compounds the difficulty.
I believe that in fact my ongoing problem with alcohol, caffeine and nicotine are all related to attempts to medicate this effect. I also have a number of quite idiopathic disorders related to sleep - I was tested and cleared of epileptic brain malfunction, but far too easily slept during daytime, they diagnosed me with 'idiopathic hypersomnolence' and I had undertaken this whole exercise in the hopes that I would get a narcolepsy diagnosis (since I also have many memories of cataplexy issues, as an infant I was like a ragdoll when you picked me up, I am abnormally relaxed in my muscles, but my mind is hyperalert) - and this was the one condition under which (until a few years before I got this testing done) it was possible to be prescribed methamphetamine.
Regarding the methamphetamine, also, after further experimentation with that, that it was in fact most likely phenyl methyl aziridine (where the spare bond on the amine bends back onto the methyl), which has a structure that is known to be very unstable because of the very sharp bond angles. In other words, it probably irreversibly binds to something in the brain. I just remember, after my fist time dosing the 'wet, smelly meth' made with minimal water at quite high temperatures, the so-called 'hot dry cook', contains this chemical, and it was from this specific concoction that I had an amazingly pleasant, peaceful period that persisted up to a week after a few days on it. It also happens to be that I had already learned of this before, and it can cause liver failure. Regardless, this effect, which I think I now understand, was clearly in disabling an enzyme or protein that causes this hyperactivation.
I also experimented with a closely related drug called Deprenyl, which has a similar asymmetric structure at the end of the amine, a triple bond, which again, is a very unstable structure that from what research I have read about Deprenyl, deactivates enzymes that destroy dopamine, hence its use in treating alzheimers.
In the absence of any effective help from doctors, you can see why I have been on this detective story of an investigation, by myself, trying anything and everything that fixes the problem.
I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 15. This was in fact caused by psychological torment from this dirty piece of shit english teacher with the last name Dusza. I suppose he must have been polish. It is not a coincidence that was the second major bout of asthma I mentioned earlier.
I started with tobacco, then marijuana, then lsd and methamphetamine/amphetamine, then psilocybin, and my long standing obsession with DMT, which I was not able to get over the fear to ingest, and plagued by an allergic reaction most likely by a reaction between remnant alkali, ammonia and a ring-close product of DMT that has a monoamine oxidase effect, but in me, causes: you guessed it, bronchoconstriction (asthma). That and the severe tachycardia reaction that it causes. I only one time hit the DMT hard enough to 'enter hyperspace' and in that experience, I relived a muddled memory involving myself having cut wide open the web between my thumb and fingers, and two figures who the vague memory of the experience, resembled my parents, who were very angry at me for injuring myself.
I also have a very very idiosyncratic reaction to morphine and codeine. I don't get warm flushes, just feeling very uncomfortable and sickly, codeine, if I use it a few days in a row, I get very severe 'withdrawal effects' consisting of this tingling pricling cold feeling especially in my scalp. Being that I don't get any dopamine or serotonin effect from the opiods, they lack the hook and aside from me experimenting with it, I have never developed an addiction. When I discovered this problem from drinking tea made of dried opium pods, which I potentiated and made more efficient by adding a small amount of bicarb (morphine forms two salts, one with acids, one with alkali), I simply took paracetamol, or maybe it was aspirin, for a couple of days, and the withdrawals were mostly suppressed and I was fine again.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out that there is a pattern in all of this, and without having any assistance from anyone, of course this process has been very drawn out because, well, I was trying to make a life for myself.
The symptoms of whatever this problem is, include a sense of perpetual impending doom, for absolutely no reason, mood disturbance, depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, an inability to abandon reason, even under the influence of numerous very potent drugs, visual migraines, obsession with medical issues (which is a psychosis, by the way, but you can't just diagnose this by itself), and now allergy, asthma, hypertension, difficulty in feeling safe around people (and during my time in prison and jail, I was stuck permanently swamped by people), difficulty in trusting. I have not had a relationship apart from that one brief incident a few months ago that only lasted a couple of days, and since breaking up with Charlie, back in 1999, I have not truly been in love, just a sense of loyalty and affection, but an emotional inaccessibility....
I have a very acute sense of prescience, I notice patterns and sensations that normal people don't to the extent that I have speculated that I am a mutant with manifesting throwback genetics from pre-human species (especially cats), but hyper-vigilance is also an effect related to many of these other symptoms as well...
The Experiment
So, in the next few hours, I will be commencing an experiment in light deprivation, combined with detoxing off nicotine, caffeine and alcohol for a minimum of three days. I have tidied up my little basement apartment, I will be cleaning the floors thoroughly, I secured sufficient non-allergenic foods to last me 3 days, I will be turning off all of my blue-light emitting devices, I am blocking radio frequency spectrum, for the most part, by using aluminium foil to black out the three small windows, the only electrical device attached to the mains power is the water heaters and this nice little LED clock that I will be using both for light and to keep track of what day it is (it has a calendar and thermometer as well. I will be not turning on any lights, and I have had some difficulty finding red lamps, so I ended up getting 3 bicycle rear lights which I will place around to keep myself from tripping over. I will be meditating using the Anapana method I learned at the beginning of a Vipassana 10 day retreat I tried and failed twice to complete because 3 days of this mostly dark environment, and sensory deprivation, and I felt like a million bux (and proceeded shortyl afterwards to nail a job after a year of not a bite.)
This time it's going to be utter light deprivation, not from light, because that's nearly impossible, but from blue light, which has now been confirmed to be the primary trigger of the circadian reset and critical for certain endocrine functions relating to arousal (alertness). It happens that I will also be almost completely eliminating microwave and ULF band electromagnetic radiation (I think the alarm clock is going in my kitchen where all the reinforcing and metallic objects will limit how much gets to me where I will be mostly staying, in bed.
In three days time, I will be precisely waiting until 3 days passes from when I shut out the light and radio waves, and we shall see how it affects me. If it helps me, possibly I may consider experimenting also with total radio frequency elimination (using some kind of earthed metallic fabric surrounding my sleep area) separately and combined with the light deprivation.
I am sick to death of this mysterious malaise. I think it is coming close to killing me, in fact. But I can't tell, but when you hear your pulse pounding in your ears in the silence, even when there is quite a lot of ambient noise, the feeling of pressure in the chest, the tingling and pain in the extremities. Normally you would go see a doctor. But it would probably take just as long to get help from a doctor anyway, as it has taken me, and I tried them for a while, I ttried all kinds of drugs, supplements, exercises.
I hope this is the end of the investigation and the perpetrator is apprehended.
update
The darkness I think I need for sleep and alertness. But I had to get some salbutamol again. Whatever it is it feels like I am dying. One dose of salbutamol and 2 minutes and it is over.
I did mean to get chlorpyramine but at midnight you don't go looking for another pharmacy... I just got a general one that is much like loratadine. I will search for chlorpyramine if I have problems. I love fish fingers, but breadcrumbs... facepalm
Good news is I will sleep easy now and now into day 3 not smoking or drinking alcohol or caffeine. I have been couging up something but not like black. Still feeling awful but at least not like I am dying. These legal drugs are the things most likely to kill me and this feeling... Is not repeatable. 4 times this last 6 months. Maybe I will remember for a change.