More of nothing, is this a trend? No, Is this the new unimproved ladybug? No. Why Am I doing this now? Claiming my voice just for a few posts because it's liberating. Writing words on a screen is a lot easier than talking to people in fact. When I type I feel like I'm taking to an empty auditorium because I can't see faces, it takes a lot of pressure off. No interruptions of yeah but... Well this...I'm sure that...Just No ... My turn now. The less people read I prefer but for a long time my deepest inner thoughts and struggles where suppressed by those around me most of my life until I quietly removed myself from their lives without anyone even noticing until much later where I did my healing silently, by myself. You know, those times you wish you could just fucking disappear from your life, to be reborn, a fresh start somewhere else, where nobody knows you. I did that and it felt magnificent. When I die and someone decides to look back at whatever glimpse of my life they can catch from the tiny window I left them to look into, well maybe they can one day see past the one sided lies and accept maybe there was another side to this gong show.
Nobody understands it because I was trying to reach out since I was 7 and no one ever wanted to hear it because it's all about them, their ego or how shit would look on the family if people found out, keep everything hush hush to everyone. Avoiding talking about this is what led down this road. The thing is with abuse, it's done in silence... For a looong period of time, sometimes that recovery might get loud. I know some that deserve to see this silently creep my blog to see what I'm up to, and I tried to talk adult to adult to be dismissed well now ya gotta read about it with the rest of the world, tough luck. most of you can probably move on it's too much on my mind that eats me up inside and keeps me awake at night and these words have been waiting a lifetime to come out. I DGAF who reads them anymore. You can no longer make me feel ashamed of it and I will not delete it like a coward like I have done in the past because my words make you uncomfortably twist in your seat. For the most part, I just need to dump those thoughts into the open, to get them out of my head once and for all.
What if someone stepped in...Shamed them for their actions rather than look away. Maybe it could have stopped that simply. If people would have stopped and listen to what I was trying to tell them, they would have seen. I think some see it now one little odd thing at a time. Slowly piecing shit together, I know some might even feel bad for their actions or lack there of but all still refuse to acknowledge the truth of what their actions led to and the consequences their bad decisions caused me. Like I'm just supposed to forget everything. Like I'm supposed to forget that they either ignored or contributed to the failure to provide basic standards of care set by the law and diminish myself, my truth, my experience to appease their ego as they return to meet their maker.
But reality is now that time as rolled by I got to untangle the fucked up web it left in my broken brain and my broken heart. All I ever wanted from anyone is a WHY? As relatives age and die, of course it's still blame the shithead that don't talk to anyone, which is fair but in reality, all I was guilty of is stopped trying to be heard and moved on with my life and became something. Became something without them. I learned that you can participate in my downfall or my recovery choose wisely because I don't allow for my feelings or my story to be dismissed anymore. If you don't like it you shouldn't have left me there. For some reason still not understanding wtf happened yet refusing to hear the answer because it's not pleasant. Reality check mofo's, it wasn't pleasant when I was going thru it as a kid, do like I did, deal with it and cut your losses.
I continue to try to reach out as an adult but get shut down because I'm not reaching out in the way you want me to with all my hard questions. Questions you don't want to answer. Your "I do me and you do you" mindset buys you the current relationship that you pretend to dislike. Yet I'm expected to "do the right thing" and fix something I didn't break. To be honest, I don't think there was anything there to fix. They didn't like me and I didn't like them in return so I left, is there even anything to mend? Not in my eyes, I think we are all just better off not talking about it and carrying on our separate lives. I'm not living anyone's lie to appease them all anymore nor am I wasting my energy fighting for my own honor thru the lies of a manipulator. I ditched that stupidity a long time ago, the only way to win at their game is to just not play in case you haven't noticed yet.
Internally I still struggle with walking away. Did I do the right thing? Surely I hurt people that don't understand and meant well but in hindsight I chose to rephrase that to "I hurt people that chose not to listen therefore do not understand"... changes the context a little now does it? Can they handle to know the consequences of their bad decisions? Probably not. Why I always preferred to just stay in my own corner. Rather then fight thru the lies perpetuated at my expense for decades, I chose to stop fighting and let you all believe them for my sanity and my own personal growth and recovery. I learned my self worth and ya'll don't like my price tag, not my problem. All you really had to do was ask what happened, yet here I am 37 years old still not talking about it because it's unpleasant. Well I hope you enjoy the relationship we have now and you can stop pressuring for more. I wont change my boundaries because you reject them and I'm not even sorry about it even if I regret every word of my last two posts and I agree I probably should post it but it's me claiming my past, my voice, my future and I still mean every single one of them.
My new beginnings were a bit rough, seemed like my only opportunity to make something of myself was an an environment I didn't trust with a bunch of strange men at a time where I probably had ptsd from the entire freaking gender (mostly of a certain age range) and given what I had gone thru deep down inside, it sounded counter-intuitive but almost 4000km away from anyone I had ever know was overwhelming in itself. I didn't come all this way to just give up, give in to the nothing they tried to create out of me. My prospects if I returned home were really bad that I'm not even ready to talk about that on the blockchain or even at all. Some saw it happening but it was too late at that point. I went with the opportunity I saw and that was in a male dominated field in the oil and energy sector often being the only female on site.
Was it scary? OMG YEEEESSSS but actually still the best decision I ever made, just like moving out here. Letting go of the toxicity, I learned how toxic it really was. At first some of the expected generation were complete dicks about my mere presence but just like my childhood I had learned to not pay any attention to it, just keep my head down and go thru the motions in order to collect my paycheck. Until one day, one of them asked, why do you take all this and never speak up? "I responded with" It's no different then my childhood except now I get paid for it". I think that hit deep. Questions started to come in, because they had daughters my age and my response hit home for some of them. They softened their stance on why some women had to enter male dominated fields and I learned to trust some of them and my brotherhood slowly became my extremely large family. As they learned about abuse they also taught me to stand up for myself and that it's ok to tell people to fuck off when they deserve it.
I learned that what happened to me wasn't normal, I know it probably sounds insane but at the time, I never knew different so how was I to know? I always legit assumed it was something was truly wrong with me and that I was just one of those unlovable people. I had come to accept that. These dusty old farts that didn't want me there in the first pace made me pick up myself and find some godamn self esteem....here pick this grinder and learn how to weld and tell a few haters to go suck a bag of dicks. Wanna play with the big boys? Well yes I do sir! With their help, I learned to unlearn every thing I had ever learned and start fresh, they thought me how to be a man in an environment they created to repel women so that they could just come to work and be men. Weird concept to learn as a women the difference between men just being men and men being unnecessarily offensive and dismissive but eye opening, great place to find my voice indeed. The perfect one in fact.
Too much time spent together, sometimes boundaries are crossed and heated exchanges follow. Luckily most of us are of a forgiving nature when it comes to heat of the moment situations but when I first found my voice, it was too loud. I went from quiet and taking all the shit to maybe being a bit to aggressive. Over the years learning the patience needed to thrive like a flower in the middle of a concrete parking lot that I am, I think I have finally found a happy middle ground. Hive may have helped with that as well. Frankly I'm much better expressing my thoughts here than I could ever dream of in real life. It's easy when you are talking to a bunch of empty seats, un-interrupted....Just putting half incoherent thoughts on a blank screen that ill forever haunt me on the internet instead of inside my head.
Did I ever feel like my life was in danger? Gawwwd yes, a few things too close for comfort but I have learned ways to protect myself from the creeps because lets face it, there is some everywhere and if you are a cute female, you will soon find out who they are too. Mitigating that but not going for drinks or anywhere with anyone and avoiding out of town work is still probably key to my safety but I mostly don't fear being assaulted at work or at least if it did happen, I wouldn't be on my own like before. It helps to know that, to have people have your back. If I could go back in time, I would do it the exact same way all over again. With all my deranged babble, I answered my own question I struggled with ...Did I do the right thing? Yes I did, I chose to surround myself with people that wanted to be part of my solution and growth. Blood or not. A birth certificate isn't a set of shackles.
Sometimes I just have too many thoughts and I outgrow some but even if they don't fit anymore, they keep circulating and cutting me inside in the process. Maybe now the words can float around the internet until the people that are supposed to see this see it when they are ready even if I'm long gone by then. How many more weird posts? I don't know...when I feel like I wrote enough to rest my mind.