To err is human, to forgive, divine.
Alexander Pope
An Essay on Criticism (1711), 1.525
Chapter 21
“Evelyn?!” Her mother stood up quickly and assumed a posture of stone-still superiority. “I thought I told you never to enter this house again.”
“I know.”
“Well, then, if you know, then I demand you to leave the premises.”
“No, Mother, I will not.”
“Are you ever going to defy me over and over again?”
“I came not for the intention of defying you but of seeking reconciliation with you.”
“I want no reconciliation. I have washed my hands of you.”
“Is that truly what you want?” Although Evelyn made sure to keep her gaze and stance composed and somewhat forceful, a single tear left its prison walls. “I don’t want to live the rest of my life without a mother. Can you imagine not seeing each other for the next thirty years of our lives?”
“Yes, I believe I could.” However, her mother’s upper lip quivered; her facial muscles strained to recover their control.
“Why do you keep hurting me like this? You have been doing this to me my whole life.”
Suddenly, her mother’s brows bent together in surprise, her lips pursed. She took one step forward. “What on earth do you mean? You don’t remember any of the good times we had together when you were a little girl?”
“Ha! What good times?”
“We...used to have picnics in our garden. I also used to hold your little hand while we strolled along the streets near our home.”
“I vaguely remember such dreams. Those happy moments have been clouded with years and years of my never being good enough for you, of always falling short in your sight.” Evelyn bit her bottom lip.
“Come, sit.” Her mother gestured to the chair across from her.
Evelyn hesitated at first, keeping her distance from the one whom she thought would bite without warning.
Her mother did not speak for several minutes but blankly stared at the wall behind Evelyn. “After your father died, I...I felt as if my whole world had been ripped away from me. Contrary to what you may think, we did marry for love although his having status and riches didn’t hurt either. Every time I looked at you, whether we were having a conversation or you were just playing with your porcelain dolls, you reminded me of him so much. Your sweet yet headstrong disposition, I almost...resented you for the fact that you were still alive and he was not.”
“I was only a little girl...with little comprehension of how my actions could affect...”
“You foolish girl, hiding in some covert room of the house. We called your name so many times, but you did not answer.”
“I meant no harm. I was only playing, wanting you or Papa to find me.”
“Well, he did not find you the way you had envisioned it. Instead, he waltzed out into the winter cold wearing only a thin jacket and looked all over the streets for you. You know the end of the story.”
“I’m sorry that...that Papa died of pneumonia. Do you not think my own guilt berates me in the middle of some nights? I blame myself as much as you blame me. Please forgive me. Unshackle the fetters of your hate toward me.”
“I...do not hate you. This particular topic always heats my passion to the point I can hardly control it. There is nothing for me to forgive. I was the one who changed.”
Evelyn’s head slumped downward toward her folded hands, not caring whether it was not proper etiquette to slouch on a social call. “Why did you never approve of my getting an education, of marrying Carl?”
“My story had a happy ending until Providence took your father away; but I had seen many other girls my age who had done the same as I and suffered...such horrible fates. I wanted to protect you from something I knew I could not control. Women who go off to college get such incredulous ideas, and women who marry for love sometimes die because of lack of it or worse—they sell themselves so cheaply. I thought that if I trained you to be a wife in the home and set you up with some nice young man who would have plenty to share with you, you would be happier.”
“Mother, I am not like all those other girls. I have a sensible mind, able to determine my own future.”
“I know that now and have known for quite a while. My bitterness seized my logic when I saw I was wrong about your future. I did not want to accept it.”
“Listen, Mother. I have come to reconcile, not to dredge up the past and inflict more hurt than necessary. I do not want any more bitterness to abide between us. I want us to be friends.” She took the next moment to consider what she would say next. “I have come to ask your forgiveness for the way I have treated you and for the contempt I have shown you at times. I have been hurt, but I believe...you have been hurt, as well.”
Her mother’s hands inched up to cover her trembling mouth and tears started to stream down her face.
“Do you forgive me, Mother? Please, say you do,” she fiercely whispered.
“Yes, yes.”
Her mother’s trembling form in contrast to her previous superior stance shook Evelyn’s heartstrings to the point that they would not stop ringing until she showed her mother the affection she had wanted to for years. She thought it would be so hard to let go of the anger, and at first it was. Yet every look she cast at her mother slowly tore down the wall which surrounded the dusty room crying for a cleansing. She arose from her seat, sat down next to her mother, held her, and quieted her sobbing.
“Do you forgive me?” her mother asked, pointing all fingers toward herself.
“Yes, I do.”
“You should have demanded this reconciliation sooner, tied me down with ropes until I would listen.”
“No, I was a foolish girl not to hold on to some faith that you would see, not with force and brutality, but with the opening of another heart.”
The air which once was soiled by malevolence was now clear, scented by true charity. Evelyn could not remember the last time she had hugged her own mother. It had been too long. They couldn't say any words which could describe the elatednessthey felt. So they sat there saying nothing but rejoicing in their union.
Her mother was the first to pull away. “Would you like some tea?”
“Yes, that would be lovely.”
“I will also tell the maid to bring in some biscuits.” Instead of ringing her bell like she always did, she got up from her seat and went to the kitchen to tell the maid herself. She came back after a few minutes and sat down once again. “I have been so foolish, so unloving. How did I ever become like this?”
“You have the chance to change.”
“Yes, I do, but now, enough about me. Tell me what has happened to you over the last few months.”
“There is so much to tell. I don’t know where to start.”
“Tell me anything.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about Clyde of late and what has happened to him. He is an orphan I care for some days after work.”
“How old is he?”
“Eleven, but even though he is young, he has an extremely bright mind. He loves numbers. I believe he has a bright future ahead of him. Right now, no one really knows of his circumstances except Doctor MacCrae.” She paused. “I’ve been thinking more and more of how wonderful it would be to adopt him. There is no one to claim him.”
“But Evelyn—you have to be married to even consider the option.”
“I know.”
“There is something you are not telling me.”
“For the past few months, Doctor MacCrae has been courting me.”
“Evelyn?!”
“The affair has not reached the public’s ears. No one knows except Betsie. We do our best not to make a show of it, even when we work together.”
“It isn’t proper.”
“I know.”
“Yes, I know you know. I’m very concerned. Are you sure of his good intentions?”
“I thought I was until today.”
“What happened today?”
Evelyn related to her mother how she had followed Gerald closely, how she had found herself and he at the worse part of town, how he had seemed to be evasive the entire time, and how she had returned to the dilapidated building and saw the...prostitute open the door. What was she to think?
“Oh goodness, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Please do not chastise me.”
“No, I will not. But you must do something about this.”
“I will. I must talk to him. However, I’m scared that...well, that all of what we had wasn’t... real. What if I make a fool of myself?”
“You will remain the fool if you stand by and do not act. I know this is a sensitive topic with you. I surmise that your being involved with Doctor MacCrae...that you have given up on finding Carl.”
Evelyn clenched and unclenched her fingers when she heard his name. A small tinge of guilt still resided deep within the pits of her soul, and she thought she had rid of it. “I...I have. Every day I would look at the newspaper and skim the lists of the missing or the dead; it seemed as if he ceased to exist after the explosion. Maybe he did. There was really no trackable trace of him. I decided it was time to move on. I cannot live my life hanging on to the images of a ghost. And Gerald—I knew he had feelings for me. He said so himself, and I started to feel something for him, as well.”
“Well, I hardly know what to think of all this. Really, Evelyn, you have gotten yourself into quite a mess.”
“I have, indeed.”
“You will need some time to think. Would you like to stay the night?”
“The time when I least expect to be invited to stay is the time I do not have my overnight toiletries.”
“I am truly sorry.”
“I am, as well. It was just as much my fault as it was yours. Now I’m glad it is over.”
“I will have the maid polish your old room while we dine.”
“What is her name?”
“Mmm? Whose name?”
“The maid’s.”
“Oh, I believe...it is...well...I don’t quite know.”
“Would not now be a good time to ask her?”
“Yes, it would be. You’re right. I will go right now and ask.”
As her mother made her leave to start a more friendly relationship with the maid, she warmed at the thought that perhaps her mother was capable of change after all. She had commenced upon the road to starting anew. This brought Evelyn much happiness.
Both mother and daughter sat down at peace with each other for this evening meal. They shared memories of the man who had been part of their lives for a too short time. They laughed, and they kept gushing with delight that now they were able to talk with each other as they were now doing.
“Her name is Martha.” Her mother said.
Evelyn replied, “It will be wonderful to call her by her name instead of awkwardly asking for something from someone whom one knows so little of. A name says much of whom that person is. It puts one with another on a more intimate ground if they know each other’s names.”
After conversing for a few more minutes, her mother sighed. “I will be retiring for the night. I’m quite tired. I will see you in the morning.” She walked to Evelyn’s seat, kissed the top of her head, and left.
Evelyn entered the kitchen and saw Martha, the maid, tackle the dishes. “Martha, would you like some help?”
“Truly, miss, I’m all right.”
“Here,” Evelyn grabbed a towel. “Let me dry the dishes.”
They went on in this fashion for a few minutes.
“Martha, where do you come from?”
“Well, miss, I must say I don’t know. I mean I know I was born around here somewhere, but I don’t know who my mother was. My father, well, he was a drunkard, always cursin’ and shoutin’ at me. I have three little brothers who have no true parents except maybe me. I take care of ‘em. I bring in the money to feed ‘em.”
“That is very noble of you. It must have been so very hard to grow up in such a household.”
“It was. A few years back, I took on a job of entertaining men at bars. The pay was real good, but...”
“I didn’t know.”
“Mr. Thompson, though, he found me one day. Not that he was in one of those places, mind you. He found me cryin’ on a patch of grass on a rainy day. I can’t even remember where. I don’t know why he risked getting wet or where he was going. He found me and told me the missus was needin’ a maid. Ever since then I’ve been here, and the pay is just as good.”
Evelyn’s eyes started to water as she heard this girl’s tragic tale. However, her life had to climb upward, even a little. “You must love your brothers very much to have gone through...what you have gone through.”
“That’s right. I do. I would do anything for them.”
“Thank you, Martha, for telling me more about you. I enjoyed our chat. Good night.”As she traversed the hallway, she was beckoned by the moon’s eery glow, shining through the front window. She passed the staircase and leaned upon the curtains, basking in the night’s light. She marvelled at the stars in the heavens. Her eyes roved downward to the light of the street lamps. Nothing could compare to the beauty of nature.
Suddenly, a movement caught her eye. There it was again! A man stood at the front gate, fearlessly staring at her. His hypnotic glare planted her in place. She swallowed hard. When she was finally able to move, she shut the curtains close, hoping the man would go away. She didn’t have to have the curtains open to feel the reach of his gaze.