I'm kind of ashamed to write this post. Also, a little scared to let others into my reality of dealing with PTSD. But something has to change...
I wrote one blog post today and continued with my research into Post Traumatic Stress Discorder(PTSD) and optional treatments. I also tried some meditation and actually have eaten twice today. It's not unheard of for me to go days without eating. Additionally, I wanted to clean my office so I could focus on my writing.
Cleaning the Office
It's kind of strange. I feel like the tunnel vision I have had since I quit counseling and resumed drinking is kind of being lifted. It's why when I stepped into my office after days of being outside of it, I felt ashamed. "I was raised better than this", I kept telling myself as I was filling a whole bag up with beer bottles and empty packs of cigarettes while looking at the beer caps and cigarette butts on the floor. This is when I stopped and decided I have to own this. I have to own this dark reality I live in and I began taking pictures.
Welcome To My World
All I can say is here is the shameful nastiness I have put myself in...and to think this picture is after some cleaning.
I have barely left the office for over a year. Literally, I sit in here and drink beer, while smoking cigarettes. I can't tell you how many days I just sit in here in the dark, because I just can't face the world. It's a harsh wake up call when you have scenes like these...
Piss Cups
Not only is this downright shameful and disgusting....but that piss does not look healthy.
Disgusting Ashtray With Beer Caps
I'm not gonna lie. This ashtray is pretty clean compared to the norm. It's usually overflowing with cigarette butts, beer caps, and vomit from drinking too much.
Beer Bottles Behind The Desk
When I was cleaning up all the beer bottles and I had to get behind my desk to throw away more empties is when I decided to stop for a minute and start taking pictures. This bottle is the last of the Mohicans.
Four of Many Empty Cigarette Packs Laying Around
If drinking doesn't kill me....two packs a day will. I have to find healthier ways to manage my stress. One thing at a time I keep telling myself. Quit drinking first...then cigarettes. The day will come.
The Cat Who Adopted Me
I want to end this on a high note. This cat,who we now call Terrance( from Angry Birds), adopted me a few weeks ago. I live in the middle of the country and this dude this shows up one day. I'm not a big fan of animals( I can barely take care of myself), but this guy has a personality of its own. It will talk to you and sounds just like Terrance from the movie Angry Birds. It came into my office one day, laid beside me, and has been here ever since. It's like he knew I needed someone. It's affection has been unconditional and it's strange to deal with. It's hard loving something when you don't even feel like you love yourself.
The point of the cat picture is a reminder that brighter days are ahead. Sure, there will be days I still feel negativity and unbearable stress....but I hope my journey of self discovery and battling this monster will hopefully inspire others to conquer their inner demons. Also...you support and motivational words are greatly appreciated.
One Last Note
I was recommended a book(Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving) by steemit user 
When the risk to remain
Closed tightly in a bud
Became more painful
Than the risk it took
To Blossom
-Anonymous
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All pictures by
Anonymous Poem acquired from Pete Walker's Book
