So I've introduced you to my dad.
If you've read my previous posts you'd have garnered that my dad was an abusive alcoholic narcissist. And you'll have a good idea by now or at least formed a picture in your head of what he was like as a parent.
Not good.
Yep. He died a couple of years back clinging to a bottle of Lambrini in his bed. Liver failure, he knew he was on his way out and so did we. But, he wouldn't help himself for no-one.
Sometimes I just had to let go of that control.
So sad that a man that was earning £100K and above in his work not less than 10 years ago died such an excruciating and lonely death.
But this is the price that you pay for the choices that you make in life. People from the health profession like to loosen the hatred from friends and family members by making them think about the childhood the abusers had. And they're right, because a lot of it isn't pretty.
But there needs to be some accountability somewhere - because we can't show leniency on a killer because they were exposed to a terrible childhood. At some point in their life they had chosen to kill and they should own that accountability for their actions.
Dad sucked at that.
In fact, most alcoholics suck at accountability.
"Sorry for last night - I was drunk"
To me that's not an excuse - I want a real apology. What drove you to do such things and to be reassured it wont happen again.
But that's just me. I'm highly experienced at dealing with the accountability of other people.
Now that I have a child I try to be completely different to my dad. My Son, he's a beautiful, polite and conscientious young boy. There's no way I'll knock him out. Or wake him up and breath my drunken stupor all over him.
My wife would definitely have something to say about that anyway.
But I try and give my boy the chance that I never had. I love that he has a personality and he has wants and needs, and emotions. I allow him the time to experience it all. And I guide him.
I love when he's sad, because he gets to have Daddy hugs and cuddles, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that - he'll learn from me that it's perfectly Okay to show emotion.
And I'll never bark at him if he's angry. If he's angry it means somethings up, and I'll try to seek out the cause instead of angering myself with the effect. I'm allowed to be angry, so my son is allowed it too.
Unless he tries to hit, or throw, and then he really is in trouble.
I'm trying to grow him into an emotionally stable young boy, because that's something I was never helped with. And I had a bazillion problems, which fed into another bazillion problems.
I don't want that for my son, never
But life is never easy or straight forward.
All I can do is my best and hope for the best.
Like my Mum tried for me.
And that's all I ever asked.