The ease of the wind in your hair, the clouds moving over your head like imaginary ships. The peace the nature brings, the calmness where there is no storm. Life is beautiful and life might be strange, but we all have the possibility to stop and enjoy what the world brings.
I have been stuck in horrible dark holes for long periods of time, the darkness of loss, the misery of loneliness. I hadn't seen the world for so long that I had forgotten how innocent and beautiful it could be. The cities and the smog never really lets you break the spell of depression, instead it feeds that gray hole in your chest that devours you whole.
I used to live in the city. It is weird how things never happen immediately, instead they come gradually, you don't notice and by the time you realize, you have slipped into that dark place, it is too late already. Nothing in the world matters, nothing seems important. Getting out of the bed is optional, encouragement and anger from others doesn't work. You just don't care, you can't care for some stupid reason.
That feeling you have of helpless indifference, the period of time you seem to lose your eyesight. There is nothing beautiful in the world, at least you don't see anything. And yet, even though there is nothing holding you here, survival instincts are strong, so you are stuck in the middle, wanting to escape, but not wanting to leave.
I have had that feeling, but mostly over time I tend to crawl out of that hole faster and faster, I haven't been in such a dark place for years now, I always try to escape it now. I always try to find a reason to move on, roll over and keep on going. Sometimes it is hard, but overall it gets better for me. I know I am lucky, there are people who never really get out of their dark places. There seems to be forces pulling you back at every turn.
In my family there is too much history of mental issues. Not all of them are illnesses, some of them are man made. My grandpa was the best to me, but his own children suffered badly, my mom as a psychologist has a theory that he was a sadist, I can never admit that to myself even though there are scars left on his children that prove my mom to be right. One of my aunts is battling depression, a bad case of it, I remember her always going to doctors when I was little. And then there were pills. The second aunt has insecurities in her that would hurt anybody, she doesn't see her self worth as she should.
And my mom, well, as she didn't suffer from my grandfathers hand as much as her sisters you wouldn't notice at first that there is something bothersome, but deep under the cracks there is the fact that she never trusts anybody, that is why there is a list of ex husbands and lovers.
It is a dark history, that is why the world is so important, time might heal all wounds, but scars will stay forever, the only thing we can do is look at how actually beautiful the world is, if it is the city for you, go for it, everybody is different. My safe haven is where I grew up, in a countryside, therefore I love anything close to the nature, that is my world and my bubble.
I hope you enjoyed my depressingly weird post :) And I would appreciate if you check out a poem for a contest I wrote Here it is!
and maybe, just maybe if you have a spare click and if my work spoke to you, you can drop me a vote there :) And the great part is that you can participate, too.
Thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say, and as always, have a great day, a week and life.
Linda