After my marriage ended, I met a guy who swept me off my feet and rocked my world... or at least sexually. The chemistry and sex were amazing. That is, the actual act of sex. But what wasn’t amazing was our lack of kissing chemistry. When we first started dating he definitely kissed me the way I liked to be kissed - with passion. But not too far into our relationship, when things got comfortable, that all stopped. It turned out he really didn’t like open mouth kissing or the use of tongue and didn’t particularly like me kissing that way either. But, even though the kissing was less than passionate and fulfilling for me, there was still chemistry and he turned me on sexually so I reluctantly overlooked it. Occasionally though, I’d still try to get him to kiss me passionately (open-mouthed with tongue and feeling) but he would complain or say I was biting him and demand I stop! And, although, he was the only guy who had ever expressed an issue with the way I kissed, because I was into him, I adjusted my kissing style to suit him. He described himself as a “soft kisser”, whereas, obviously, I was an overly passionate “biter” who didn’t know how to kiss and everyone who’d said I was an amazing kisser before him was wrong!
I also discovered early on in our relationship that he didn’t like his neck kissed or nibbled (he’d actually get mad) and didn’t like to kiss or nibble my neck either. In my former life, neck nibbling was one of my foreplay and sex specialties but, of course, I gave that up because he didn’t like it. And just because it drove other men wild, including my ex-husband, apparently, I didn’t know what I was doing!
It didn’t take me long to realize he wasn’t big on “going downtown” either and would often inform me it wasn’t “fresh” or he’d only do it after I was newly showered and would sometimes even request I shower first. I realize that things can occasionally get funky down there, but, again, no one else had ever complained about my nether regions so I just chalked it up to another difference in our “styles”. I mean, who needs oral sex when you have mind-blowing sexual intercourse, right?!
Yes, he was great in bed and had some incredible moves but the lack of kissing, foreplay and emotional intimacy before and during sex were frustrating to me. Forget saying “I love you” more than once during the throes of passion or expecting him to say it. He’d actually get annoyed if I said it more than once or if he felt pressured to say it more than once. With him, it was all about the actual sex act and sexual skill with no real emotion, passion or feeling tied to it. As the differences continued to grow, I started to wonder if he was emotionally unavailable and if the great sex was even worth it.
Rewind to my marriage, where the actual sex was less than fulfilling, but the kissing, foreplay, and emotional intimacy were all there... just the opposite of what I had with great sex guy. Had I traded all those important things for sexual fulfillment instead? Was it not possible to have both in a relationship?
Fast forward to a year and a half later in my sexually fulfilling relationship (where not a lot else was being fulfilled). Add lots of secrets, lies, commitment issues, and criticism of me as a person and I started to question the whole relationship and eventually broke it off with him. Breaking the sexual attraction, however, took another six months...
In my attempt to find fulfilling sex after a marriage that had turned non-sexual, I’d traded emotional intimacy for great sex rather than looking for and expecting both. For me, a fulfilling, rewarding, healthy relationship needs to include love, trust, chemistry, and passion, as well as emotional intimacy and amazing sex. Maybe that’s too much to ask and I’ll end up alone but, if nothing else, I’m going to have fun trying to find it all, because I deserve it and I’m worth it!