Quick disclaimer I'm not a blogger, writer, and can barely read. I don't know what it is I'm doing here. So hope you have low expectations.
Have you ever been the last to see what you've done to someone you love? Have you ever been trapped in your own pain, not realizing the pain you cause others?
I've been recently introduced to a new reality that I created. New to me anyways. Not so much to my wife or family.
To think that just two months ago I was oblivious to anything but my depression and pain. So selfish is the disease, I really thought everyone but me was fine. I didn't or couldn't see through the cloud of meds and defeatist thoughts, that the people closest to me were affected just as much by my illness. The long sleepless nights, followed by days in bed. The absolute indifference I felt towards everything and everyone. The absence of joy in everything. My pain was my only focus for so long.
I find myself med free (opioids, antidepressants, benzos). And I've been addressing some of the areas of my life that I had abandoned. My mental and physical health just to name two. Everyday I am mindful to take an active step towards healing. But there is a lot of wreckage laying around it seems.
My dear wife who has stood by me with a balled up fist, fighting for the both of us for so very long. She is having some issues being able to trust what she sees when she looks at me these days. Recently I've have struggled with the guilt, shame, and regret that I feel looking back at the last ten years. While I know that I really need to focus on what it is that I must do today. It's still there not far from my mind.
She can see right through me, always could. When I feel some of these old feelings of inadequacy, shame, and guilt. I am now aware of how on edge she becomes. Waiting for the shoe to drop I think. Lots of questions, "Are you ok?, Whats wrong? How are you feeling?" Questions that I don't always want to answer. Or just not sure how to answer honestly.
I want desperately to feel strong and confident. For her sake. Just to ease her mind if possible. I have made some headway, but don't have to look far to see the damage I have caused. It's there. I must find away to establish a new normal for her and myself.
And so I will keep moving forward, trying not to look back too much. I pray for strength and wisdom these days. Soon, I hope it comes.
Anyway if you have taken time to read this, thank you. But remember you probably shouldn't have.
Below is my buddy Oscar. He has helped to save me from myself. It's amazing the unconditional love you can feel from a four legged friend.