I live with Anxiety.
Live being very generous in this case, because as anyone who has struggled with anxiety will tell you, somedays you don't do much living. I started self-treatment a few months ago, and I can look back and see the long dark hole I have begun to crawl out of. There might be something here, in my words, for you, Reader. I know there is something here for me.
My name is Luuz, and I'm 26. I work in a small local coffee shop akin more to a Dunkin Donuts, than a Starbucks. We're very popular, and I'm told we have some decent single-origin coffees, but most of our customer base comes in for a flavored coffee with the name "Jamaican Me Crazy". Its owners are a bit fixed in their ways and think khaki's and a tye-dye logo t-shirt is a fun and fashionable uniform, and also that minimum wage is still a living wage.
I've worked there for 2 years. Which is 1 year and 7 months longer than I was planning on working there. I applied so I could get back on my feet. You see, I ran a business before all this. And for a year and a half, it fully supported a comfortable life. My partner of 5 years and I ran the business side by side. We started it when we had nothing to lose. But, eventually it failed, as these things sometimes do. Defeat for us meant acknowledging that bills still needed to be paid, even if the business wasn't making enough money anymore. Which meant full-time jobs, with the promise that we wouldn't grow complacent, and always be focused on the next business. The next idea.
Time, and financial stability did create complacency though, and laziness. Before we knew it, we had woken up from the dream, and forgotten all about it. I guess we felt that now we had too much to lose. Putting precious out-of-work energy into something that requires so much stamina and eagerness. So much risk. Our failure made us fear the unknown.
And that's where you'll find me today. But I find I'm not really complacent anymore. For better or worse, I fear this life, if I were to continue living it this way. I do not feel satisfaction and I am not growing. I don't have a future I can see, at the moment, it's unclear to me where I'll end up. And that uncertainty has bled through, and in most things now, I am hesitant.
Hesitant is my gold star word for this post. It is the mind killer, because in it lies our fears.
The hardest thing I've learned, in dealing with my anxiety, is talking about my fears openly. The best way to accomplish anything in the world of anxiety, is to face those fears head-on. To boldly tell it "give me your worst," and eventually to mean it, because you know the worst. You can handle the worst.
Which is why I am going to tell you my secrets. The two things that I fear most. That have made me fear, fear itself.
I am terrified of death, and what that will be.
And I am terrified of never reaching my potential
I have written them out, confronted their meaning. If I click "Post" I will have shouted it from the proverbial rooftop of the internet. It is a step towards freedom from my fears. Confronting those thoughts, of my own volition, and acknowledging that they live within me.
I suppose if I can create some consistency in writing often, things won't always be as serious as they are here. I have a few creative things that I should brush the dust off of, and would appreciate a space I could share progress with that as well.
If this does reach anyone, and you want to reach back, please do.
Talk about your own experience, offer advice, recommend books, spark some casual conversation or ask a question -- I am just another sloppy human being, but I promise a wholehearted reply with insights from my own experience and ideals.
Thank you to all who glanced my way,
Luuz
Afterthought
The image included is a half-finished digital self-portrait I did for a gaming project I never finished. It's here both for my introduction, and as a personal reminder that quitting leads to failure far more than mistakes do.