Some of you may have read in June that I have been sober for 10 years now.
The article: "Today Is 10 Years of Sobriety For Me!!" talked a lot about the actual quitting, but I didn't get into what kept me sober. The willpower to quit was all me, yet there were some defining moments that kept me off the bottle for good.
Meet my Uncle Ken and Aunt Dawn
These two beautiful souls have been like parents to me. Definitely the parents I always wished I had, yet we don't get to pick that stuff, we're born where we are born, and sometimes it's up to us to make our own families. So without going into too many details, lets just say I grew up with a lot of judgement, and a lot of un-acceptance.
Love was very conditional. I had to do things to get love. I had to be the best in sports, get straight A's...all that shit, I had to be perfect, and then and only then did I matter in my home growing up. It was always short lived though because there were always new and next goals I had to achieve.
Drinking and Self Esteem
When I discovered alcohol it was like I found the magic potion to stop giving a fuck what anyone thought of me. I could feel good. I could be in public without any nervousness! And of course you don't need to read my previous sobriety blog to know that it's a slippery slope to hell using a substance to give us self esteem, self worth. My life became more problematic than ever as the years progressed. I wish I had more photos to show you but the internet wasn't really a thing yet when I was boozing and there was certainly no social media, one day I'll write some memoirs of my stupidity but for now here's one pic I found:
So this was me, from about age 15 until 26. I was the ultimate party girl, fuck I'd drink anywhere, if you had me in your vehicle...there was a beer in my hand. Beach...beers. After work...beers. Beer Beer Beer Beer! And my life was spiralling out of control. I was hurting people I loved. I never could hold down any kind of relationship for more than 3 months. I was fighting a lot. Saying stupid shit all the time. Just being a punk.
In my life growing up, if I ever made mistakes, stupid decisions I got "kicked out". Of the family. Oh yes, I was out and in more than...well I can't think of any good analogies that aren't totally sick, so let's just say, I'm not used to acceptance and unconditional love. When I made the decision to quit I hadn't talked to my immediate family for a pretty long time, and I was living in Edmonton, where my closest relatives were Aunt Dawn and Uncle Ken (who I will refer to from now on as Mumsie and Popsie cause that's what I call em).
Mumsie and Popsie are the most loving and accepting people on the face of the Earth. They don't judge anyone, and let others live their lives. I did some stupid shit, and they never kicked me out of their lives. They never said "I'm disappointed in you Lyndsay". They never cut me loose. It was just love, love love and some more love and then a bunch more acceptance. It was because of that unconditional love that I was able to self reflect. No one was pushing against me. I had nothing to rebel against...I really got some good looks at myself and my behaviour and I decided after one particularly scary and rough night, enough was enough.
Quitting and Staying Quit
Did they respect me more after I quit? Was I treated better? No. Mumsie and Popsie still loved me the exact same, sober or drunk. They never made a big deal of it, or said what a better person I was sober. They just Love ME. Any way. Any day. You know how damn scarce that kind of love is? For me, I only have a handful of people in my life that are like this. My husband is one, and my best friend is the other. It seems like all other love I've ever had in my life was absolutely conditional on me, my choices and my behaviour. At this point I hadn't even met my husband yet, so really, these are the first adults that really showed me what Unconditional Love is.
My most defining moment, and I will always remember this as long as I live...is this one night. I had been quit for about 3 months. We were having a fire in Mumsie and Popsie's backyard, and Popsie comes over to me and he says: "You know Lyndsay, even if you hadn't quit drinking, I would never give up on you." Okay, pausing to cry...
Those words are the most meaningful words I've ever heard in my entire life so far. Just knowing that I didn't have to do anything special to have them by my side. I had no hoops to jump through. I didn't have to be any certain way...that was what kept me sober for as long as I have been. That sigh of relief...that acceptance...that knowledge that I will be loved no matter what, gave me the breathing room I needed to live the life I am proudly living now.
My immediate family still judges me, now it's for the life I live, being a free-hug giver, an activist, someone who doesn't care a fuck about money, someone who wants to grow food, give everything away. They think I should only help "my family" and not concern myself with strangers' problems around the world. They think blood is thicker than water, but to me, everyone on this planet is my family. I haven't even talked to them in 3 years because I just can't handle the negativity and the awkwardness. The conditions. And in comes Mumsie...the last time they were here visiting...and she says to me: "Lyndsay I'm so proud of you, just keep doing exactly what you are doing".
I'm Everything I Am...
Because They Loved Me
Never underestimate the power of unconditional Love. It is something we can all give freely, it doesn't cost a dime. It's our super power as Human Beings. It can change lives, it can save lives. I hope this blog was helpful in some way, it was definitely healing for me to get this out that's for sure. Thank you once again, for witnessing my journey...