Between Grateful and Being Exhausted

When I wonder why I have piling up financial reports, KPI backlog and even my semi-abandoned Hive activity, I quietly wonder, I used to have time for all these but where is the time quietly gone? My brain felt like it was melting on its own and that sent me an alert, I need to act, pronto!

Where’s the person who used to get obsessive with personal development and time? I felt like that person was gone. It does not matter how hard I try to use my hack, nothing lands where it should be.

One day, I could do nothing at all yet feel so exhausted. Some days, I had so much to do till my calendar and things are thrown out of the window. Somewhere in between, I question myself, is it really worth my sanity?

Back in the day, I was entirely responsible for my own actions and time, yet these days, I am not 100% in control. Sometimes, my weekends are spent on networking which to be honest, isn’t really my thing.

I am easing my way through two worlds, the worlds that I could never make into one.

Parts of me wants to give this new world a try without losing my mind yet I am slowly losing my mind and identity too.

My gratitude feels so reduced,
My sanity slowly fades away,
And the peaceful life I have too, they could as well be fading away.

Is it really worth it?

I could say that in the best possible case, after 4-5 years, I am getting wealthier and wiser and in the worst possible case, I am restarting all over again. For now, both does not seem to answer the question weighing me down.

And, is it really worth it?

Tonight is one of those days, I am being questioned to assess the worthiness of this new world. Having to endure back handed compliments, belittling words and the salary that doesn’t match the job descriptions, sometimes I wonder, is it really worth the headache? Am I really learning something new or not at all? Because if it's not, I'd rather have a lower salary, a peaceful life and the freedom to do whatever I wish in the world.

Sometimes, I wonder if this “family business idea” is going to be my thing too, Because the way I look at it right now, I was apparently never included or considered as a family. I was just that person quietly gets into the background and a threat.

Yes, apparently some saw me as a threat.

I am seen as waltzing into the family business and trying to teach good governance but apparently, some saw that as a threat. I could never know what goes behind the screen and when there isn't me in the picture but the way I look at it is that I am just a nuisance and a threat. Someone that needs to be managed quickly or otherwise, gets control of every single resources and person they ever know.

When I heard such, I am being reminded once more of the lives I used to have. While it isn’t necessarily free of headache, life is a lot more certain. And now, I am reminded to be free once again. To build myself up so that I do not have to be in this chain like the others I know who enjoyed the comfort yet constantly complaining about the lack of freedom they have.

	𝘊𝘦𝘮𝘺 (𝘰𝘳 𝘔𝘢𝘤) 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝖼𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗀𝖾𝗇𝖾𝗋𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍 & 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘳, 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬. 𝘏𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘵, 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘵𝘩. 𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘯𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘺, 𝘱𝘰𝘱 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘰𝘱𝘩𝘺; 𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘶𝘱𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘸𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯 𝘏𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘣 𝘢 𝘤𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘴.