It was the strangest and wildest weather I could ever remember, in New York City… The thunder cracked like a whip -- but like no whip I had ever heard, while the lightening, not only lit-up the sky -- it hung there, like some weird carnival trick… What made it even more strange and beautiful.., at the same time -- the sun was just coming up…
I had been planning on taking a walk that very morning… I loved that time of day -- while the city still slept.., before the sun, actually rose. On a normal day, it was amazing -- the silence of it. But today, it was brilliant!
You see, I was used to this time of day… In the past, because I had not been to bed, yet. Being a bartender, back in the day -- I would see the most beautiful sunrises, almost every morning. And, it wasn't just in New York City… I had tended bar all over the world -- and no matter what city or country you are in, if you are pouring drinks for a living, you are getting out of work much later than most…
It never bothered me, either -- working those late hours… I never wanted or pursued a 9-5 career, type of thing. I always had that 'bad-boy, rebel' thing going on. If you weren't aware of -- the chicks dig it (haha).., but that's not why I chose to live that lifestyle. It just turned out that way, like most peoples lives, I expect -- it just happens…
BUT THAT MORNING WAS DIFFERENT
I almost let the fear of rain, keep me inside, that morning -- but that never stopped me before. Heck, I liked the rain.., and walking in it can be very liberating, in some weird way… But that morning, there was something different, weird, strange -- I don't really know, I couldn't put my finger on it.
The night before, I hadn't really slept that much… But that was nothing out of the ordinary. My internal body clock would sometimes just snap back to all those years of locking up the bar -- and that was cool with me… I had taken up yoga many years ago, by a case of sheer synchronicity -- a yoga teacher moved in across the street. And I'm not talking about some chump teaching yoga at the gym. No, she was the real deal…
I would get up just as early as her.., and I would see her doing her morning yoga routine -- later I would find out, it was called Sadhana, your daily spiritual practice. When I was really into it, I would get up and cross the street and we would, just get right to it -- hardly any words, were exchanged between us during that hour and a half.
She was surprised at how punctual and dedicated I was… And when she moved to India, it was amazing how much I missed spending that time of day, together. I still practiced, somewhat, regularly -- and when I really got into it, I could actually feel her energy in the room with me. I hadn't thought about her for a long time and it was weird that she had been on my mind, that morning -- but I didn't pay to much attention to it.
What was on my mind, I wasn't really sure… But something was in there trying to get out. So rain or no rain, I stepped out into strangest morning I would ever have… I stopped at the local snooty coffee house -- those coffee snobs bugged the hell out me -- Really, a coffee snob?! But the coffee was so damn good and they opened really, really early.
MY TINY LITTLE PARK
I walked for awhile sipping on that cup of designer joe.., and before I knew it, I had walked all the way to the water. There was a tiny little park I used to go to quite a lot -- Im pretty sure, it used to be a cemetery back in the 1800's. The last time I was there, things were very different in my life. It actually seemed like a different life…
I left feeling confused and that weird, strange morning was about to become a hell of a lot stranger. As I walked back in the direction of my place, I was in my own little world. The sun had finally come up and people were starting fill the streets, only I didn't notice any of them… I couldn't help but think about the last time I was in that park and what had drawn me to it today.
I didn't want to think about, I tried not to think about it -- but I couldn't help think about it. It was always a very special place to me, I don't know why -- it just was… And the last time I was there… I was with the love of my life. We sat in that park for hours talking about the things were going to do, the places we were going to live… We felt invincible. Love will do that. But that was a long, long time ago. I had not spoke or heard from her in years.
I would, from time to time, think about her, though… Where was she? What has she been doing? Was she Okay? But, even the deepest of love seems to fade over time. "Out of sight, out of mind, " isn't that how it goes… Well, it had taken me longer than most to get her from dominating my thoughts, on a daily basis.
The feeling of that strange morning suddenly became very real… I was still a bit away from my apartment and as I continued to walk I was oblivious to everything around me. The streets were now beginning to bustle with people on there way to work or whatever.., but I had just blocked them all out for some reason and as I stepped off the curb to cross 7th ave -- I had not realized an early morning express city bus was barreling directly towards me…
Out of nowhere.., and at the very last moment, I feel someone grab me by the collar and yank me back -- pulling me out of the way of certain death! There is a spark of excitement, thats been generated from all those people on there way about there day, as they were sure they almost witnessed a fatal accident, right before their eyes.
Even though I had just come inches from my very own mortality, I was not as freaked out as the people passing by… I was still lost in my own world, wondering what else this very strange morning had in store for me. And I just started to continue on my way -- when the same hand that just pulled me back from the eternal abyss, tugged on the back of my jacket.
And I heard the sweetest young girls voice say -- "Excuse me, are you Mack?" And it stopped me dead in my tracks. And that very strange morning I had been experiencing was about to reveal itself in a way I could have ever imagined. Before I could even turn around, I could feel a chill shoot through my whole body.
Who was this girl? And how did she know my name..? Before I could say anything -- she blurts out, in a very nervous tone -- Im Hope.., her voice continuing to crack -- Sarahs' daughter… It was as if the last 10 years of my life had just disappeared in an instant. Vanished right there on 7th ave, in the middle of what was now a very crowed street -- in a split second and I was transported back in time… A time I had been trying to keep stuffed down, deep inside.
WHEN LIFE COMES A CALLIN'
What was she doing here… And how could she possibly be the person that pulled me out of the way of that bus… But what was to happen, would put in motion -- the thing that would, finally, put the those thoughts, I had buried for years, that haunted my daily life and every relationship I've ever had -- to rest for good.
My mother died, she blurts out -- so nervous now her whole body is completely shaking. And as the tears start to form in her eyes, she reaches out and hugs me tighter than I have ever been hugged. "You're the only man my Mom ever really loved and I remember how much you loved her, I thought you should know she was dead. And I needed to tell you in person…"
As I stood there, in the middle of this, ever growing crowd of people -- this beautiful, young girl clinging to me.., tears streaming down her face… I had an extremely hard time grasping the situation -- was this really happening? As the crowds of people stared as they passed us, the one thing I did know is.., we should probably get off the street -- we seemed to be creating, quite the scene.
Before she could say anymore, I took her by the hand and said -- C'mon, lets go grab a cup of coffee. She squeezed my hand tight, as we walked towards one of my favorite places in the world. It was a tiny coffee shop that had been around for years, right down the block from my bar.
Yes, I was still in the bar business -- only now I was an owner. A few years back I had been approached by some high-rollers from Wall St that loved to drink and wanted there own place but had no idea how to run a bar. And they thought having an 'old school' New York City bartender as a partner would give the place some credibility.
The coffee shop was right down the street and the woman that owned it was like family. As we got closer, she still held my hand tight, but I could feel her whole body start to relax a little bit. The place had just opened and we could smell the fresh pot of coffee that had just been brewed (this was no designer coffee, either. Just good old NY coffee).
When I pushed open the door the old woman way in the back just glanced up and went about her business. Her name was Tova. I leaned over the counter and grabbed that fresh pot of coffee and poured us both a nice big cup. You could see that Hope, that was this girls name -- was slightly uneasy at what I had just done. "Shouldn't we wait for the lady, to do that…"
I just looked at her, I mean, really looked at her for the first time -- and my heart almost broke, right there. She looked exactly like her Mom. And I said -- You know that lady served your Mom her first cup of good ol' NYC coffee -- she loved your mother from the moment they first met.
We came hear the very first night I spent with your Mom, in NYC. We both needed some good home cookin' and more than that, some good people. I knew I was going to bring your Mom out west to be with you soon and I wanted to get her nice and healthy and in a better state of mind, after all those years of craziness. I didn't want you to be scared.
You know how much she loved you, right Hope? I mean, she would have died years ago if she didn't have the hope of being with her daughter, again… But before I could actually finish my sentence -- she cuts me off…
We all know who saved my Moms life -- it was you -- they all knew it and THEY HATED YOU FOR IT! And she starts to get upset.., when Tova comes over and can't believe her eyes… "Oh my God, you look just like your mother." And gently puts her hands on her face and kisses her forehead. And she continues to say.., "don't be upset, you're so beautiful… Whatever it is Mack will take care of it -- he loved your Mother more than life itself."
Hope is stunned at the sincerity and honesty this woman posses with every word. As we sat and drank our coffee, there was a silence.., but not an uncomfortable silence, like you might think… And what she would say next would spark a feeling inside of me I thought I had buried long ago.
"She's lying in some funeral home owned by my Dad in a dress she hated surrounded by people that didn't even like her…" Tova was right when she said I loved her mother more than life itself. And there are plenty of people that believed I had ruined my life getting involved with her and her horrific situation.
The City Of Angels...
You see, I was sitting in my apartment staring at the Hollywood Hills (I was living in LA at the time) -- which were beautiful to look at… Unfortunately, so much of what went on in those hills was so ugly. I had just recently quit a bartending job and was taking some time to figure out what was next for me -- when my phone rang…
It was Sarah, this amazing young girls mother. We had not spoken to each other for almost 2 years -- we might fly by each other on Sunset Blvd.., her in her expensive shiny red vette and me in my 1976 convertible MGB -- and wave or beep our horns at each other. When we met, we had one of those world wind love affairs. We couldn't stay away from one another nor could we keep our hands off each other. It was magic -- until.., it wasn't.
Sarah was married to a very wealthy man in northern California (it wasn't his money his daddy was the rich one). And when she told me she thought we were being followed one day I thought she was crazy. That's when she told me about her 'husband.' A total prick that treated her like crap. She knew she would not be married to him for much longer -- she had her own agenda. She was sure she would get out of that marriage.
But she had this amazing little girl she knew she could not leave with him. So she had to wait for the perfect opportunity before she could even bring up a divorce. And she was afraid that being with me could only make her plan much harder or even impossible. And the last thing I wanted was to jeopardize her future with her daughter.
So, when I answered the phone that morning, staring at those hills that were haunted by the souls it had destroyed. I was, to say the least -- shocked when I heard her voice. Hope, by now was well aware of all the ugliness that occurred between her father and mother -- and even between her father and me. Heck, I can remember one day getting into with her Dad…
I had brought Sarah up to see her daughter and the hotel we were staying in was owned by her Dad -- they owned the whole damn town, basically. And Im not the only one who knew he was an asshole -- the whole town knew it. He made a point of being at the hotel under the guise of business.., and we started to get into it…
I had no idea that Hope was right outside the door when I said to him… Look, if you ever treat Sarah like a piece of shit ever again, we're gonna take a walk out into the woods and only one of us is going to come back… He almost crapped in his khakis (that he wore pulled up past his belly button). He was a joke, this guy.., and he knew I meant it!
Anyway, that was all in the past. Or it at least I thought it was...
When we were done with our coffee we walked over to my bar, which was still hours from opening. My apartment was right upstairs, so after a quick tour of the place I said - C'mon, lets go up on the roof… I had a nice little roof deck with some chairs, big giant plants with christmas lights wrapped around them.
We sat down looking out over the city and before I could say anything Hope blurts out -- "She died talking about how much you loved her…" She could sense I was about to completely break down but before I did she just started to talk about all the fun times she had with her Mom.
How they played together, acted like girly girls and all the cool stuff she got to do with her before she… She went on like a rocket for what seemed like hours. I couldn't take my eyes off of her -- she reminded so much of her Mom. The way she moved and gestured as she told a story and she had the same little smile when she got nervous and quiet.
The sun was setting and she took my hand… "I always wanted to thank you for bringing her home to me." And I just broke down. I had been trying not to all day, I didn't want her to see me lose it like this… But she just kept talking and told me whenever her Mom spoke about me, it was always with so much respect. She even said, when she was still little and wasn't sure exactly who I actually was.., she thought I was some 'really important person --' like the President or something like that… All she knew, was how safe her Mom felt whenever I was around.
She just kept going, like she got a second wind, or something. She said, whenever she couldn't get to sleep.., her Mom would come into the bed with her and tell her a story.., about me. Well, really about me & her mom. She said she must have heard a thousand stories about us.
Before she was done, though... She got a little serious, and said... "Can I ask you something, Mack?" "How did you get my mom to come back home…" Everybody had tried for years. Celebrities. Rockstars. Millionaires. All these Assholes. And nobody could do it. "So, how did you do it?!"
I could tell -- she really wanted to know. And I said… I just loved her so much. You know Hope, I think it was the the first time in my life I had EVER done something completely for someone else -- without any regard for my own well being. There was no I way going to let your Mom be another Hollywood Tragedy… She listened to every word, with the intentness of a Budhist Monk and I could see the same little smile, as the comers of her mouth curled up.
And then her face start to change and her tone became more serious and shy… "Her funeral is in 3 days -- I thought if I came here and could find you, you would come to the funeral with me, so I wouldn't be the only one there that loved her so much." "They wouldn't listen to anything I had to say -- they just want to get her in the ground.., and go about their pathetic little lives."
Man, you sound so much like your Mom!
But she just kept going -- "I thought if you came back with me, they would listen to you and lay my Mom to rest like she deserves -- they're all afraid of you because you did something none of them, with all their money and "power" couldn't do."
For the first time in years, I felt.., afraid. Even when things were at there worst, back then and even though I felt like I was completely alone -- I wasn't -- I had Sarah… No matter how bad or dangerous -- I had Sarah -- WE had each other.., and we KNEW it!
And now, she was gone… But when I looked into her daughters eyes… I could see her Mom staring right back at me. I knew I had to finish what I'd started… It was that something that had been trying to present itself to me -- that strange feeling I had woke with that very same morning.
As I put Hope to sleep that night in my bed -- I slept on the roof, if you can call it sleep. I told her not to worry -- your Mom is going to have the perfect send off -- I promise. As I laid down staring up at the night sky, I had no idea what to do -- but I had to do something… Being in the bar business for all these years you meet all kinds of people, from all walks of life -- and at some point you are there; Mommy, Daddy, Shrink, etc., etc… And now it was time to call in some favors.
The night before the funeral Hope was getting extremely nervous… I went into the closet and way in the back was a box with a dress I bought for Sarah. Why don't you wear this tomorrow -- it was your Moms. And don't worry, I took care of everything. She just grabbed a hold of me -- "I know why my Mom loved you -- Thank you so much, Mack."
I had called in every favor under the sun and I still wasn't sure if I could pull this off -- It was up to the universe, now. We flew into a little private air strip courtesy of a pilot that was regular at one of my bars and one who I sobered up after a 3 day bender so he wouldn't lose his license. He was more than happy to do it. He said he had been wondering how he was ever going to pay me back…
And to my surprise -- everyone else I called came through for me, way more than I could have dreamed… When we got off the plane there was a caravan of limos, classic cars, motorcycle gangs, there was even half a dozen hot air balloons waiting to follow us to the cemetery.
At first Hope looked a little sacred when she saw all this, she couldn't believe her eyes -- me neither. And then, a 1966 mint, fire engine red convertible Ford Fairlane pulled up with a giant black guy behind the wheel laying on the horn --
I couldn't believe it… It was a guy I hid in the basement walk-in cooler one night when the cops were looking for him, his name was --BIGGA! He had become a private security person for some of the biggest names in Hollywood. "C'mon hop in they're not aloud to start until we get there." The look on Hopes' face was priceless -- she now knew this day would be special for her mother.
As we pulled into the cemetery followed by this insane caravan the hot-air balloons over head, all filled with people that loved Sarah -- the people that were already there to get her in the ground as fast as possible -- had no idea what the hell was going on.
We screeched to a stop and the douche-bag, who called himself Hopes' Dad gets gets up and heads straight for his daughter… She immediately gets frightened at what he might do -- and then he sees me… It had been many years since he even thought of me, and now I was walking directly for him.
Sit the fuck down -- you remember what I said about the woods..? I think this time he actually did crap his pants -- especially when BIGGA got out of the car. As Hope and I walked towards the coffin that held the most beautiful soul I had ever known… A whole children's choir comes piling out of a bunch of the limos dressed in all white, carrying candles and singing AMAZING GRACE.
It's a scene right out of a movie -- an oscar winning movie. And as all her friends, people that actually loved her gather around the casket, they start to sing along with the choir… As I kneel down and see Sarah lying there, she looks as beautiful as the day I met her. Hope comes and kneels right beside me and can see that her Mom is in her favorite dress… "How did you -- God, I know why my Mom loved you so much."
POST SCRIPT: "There are moments in your life that define you, that stay with through lifetimes -- never pass them up…"
Sarah and I when we first met...