A brief description of BPD quoted from Wikipedia:
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD),[7] is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.[4][5] There is often frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, self-harm, and an extreme fear of abandonment.[4] Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.[4] The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.[5] Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD.[4] BPD increases the risk of self-harm and 10% of people affected die by suicide.[4][5]"
Do I love you because I am happy or do I hate you because I am mad? I can't differentiate feelings from my mood. When I am grumpy I feel like I hate you; but when I am happy I feel like I love you. Say one thing wrong and I can't stand you, but if you fix it by saying a few things right then I love you again.
My doctor and I, we're adjusting my medications right now and we're struggling to find the right combination. There are no medications that directly treat BPD but many that can control the symptoms.
I'm angry with everyone and everything majority of the time so it's not just you, but the emotions are most extreme with you. This can be explained in term of you being my "favorite person", which with us borderlines, is a common thing. You guys get the brunt of it all, you see beyond the surface of what looks to others as just a sensitive and moody person. You see into the black; you experience the hell of rage and screaming, insecurity and paranoia. You're the ones accused when we're delusional and entirely convinced you're only with us because you know we won't be safe if you left us. But you also get to see the other side; you get to see the light and the white, past the "splitting". Our love is immense when we know we are feeling it, we are always honest and you can trust that. You get to enjoy our sense of humor and finally laugh off some of the weight we both carried when we fell into the darker part of the disorder.
We know we can be irrational and mean, at least I do. I'm very self-aware, and the guilt of who I can be never weighs less on my mind. I want to know how I truly feel. I don't want my feelings to be so malleable. I don't want them to be so attached to my emotions; I want them to be attached to parts of me that don't change when I am upset, or joyful. I want to know how I feel so I can reassure you the way I need to be reassured.
My moods change with or without reason, and they can change within seconds. When it changes for the better I find it stressful to know I even felt hate toward someone as kind as you. Someone who has been patient with someone like me, someone who has never gotten angry no matter how much I pushed you. I want to say that I feel I am me when I am happy, that anger makes me someone else I do not recognize and feel emotions I can not claim, but that would be as reliable as me saying I am certain that I love you even when I am not happy.
I hate myself for being so unsure; and that's one thing that doesn't change when my mood does.