I had a role model for kindness when I was a boy, although it took me over 50 years to see it. My Father. He died a year ago at age 91. I’ve since seen him in my dream worlds a few times. I’m still learning from him. Dreams are a place where, as Soul, I often continue my relationship with loved ones, because of the bond of love that transcends this world. But after his death, and after his memorial, a realization came to me that I wasn’t expecting.
Growing up I found my Father to be somewhat distant. He did all the right things as a Father in terms of action, time spent with me, paying the bills, etc. But being a sensitive and spiritually driven kid I hungered for spiritual connection, words of love, and encouragement. Emotion. It often left me feeling empty, alone, and unsupported. But that just wasn’t how he expressed himself.
One day, when I was about 8, I had a chance to accompany my Father on his job. He was a sales engineer. This meant going into large manufacturing companies to help solve problems and supply them with hydraulic equipment, etc. One thing I noticed was how my Father would often stop and talk to the janitor, and/or to the men working on the assembly lines, before we’d go to meet with the head of the Company. He’d give them a kind word, usually words which valued the job they did. After we were back in the car Dad would talk about how these men did a good service and were often undervalued. His kindness and value in others was sincere.
After his death his neighbors and all his coffee shop friends shared their insights about my Father with me. Many expressed what a friendly guy he was. How he never had a bad word to say about anyone, He always had a smile, a joke, or a kind word about everyone he met. He was always that way. They loved him. I started to recognize that and other qualities: I never once saw him lie. I never saw him cheat. And he was generous.
The first realization I had was this: The emotional and verbal things I wanted as a boy made me feel removed from him. But as Soul there was another orchestration in motion. As Soul I had chosen this man as my Father because of what I needed to learn. Honesty, kindness, and solid values. To have a positive attitude. To value others. How one kind word could brighten someones life.
The second realization was this: The lack of someone to guide me spiritually and emotionally served another purpose. It drove me to search for truth with greater hunger. I was reading about Zen at age 8, learning to meditate by age 11, and exploring Soul travel and the inner worlds by at 14. That hunger to grow and find answers inside myself has never slowed.
The lesson of a kind word would hit home in my own business career many years later.
I employed a young man named Bob in my Marketing Firm. Over a period of several years Bob grew into a strong leader in my business as it grew. The thing that struck me about Bob was the continuous gratitude he expressed for my help, and for his opportunity with the company. I also found Bob to be coachable, supportive of others, and always kind. He was a pleasure to work with and we became good friends. One day I had a nudge to send Bob a postcard. It read as follows:
Dear Bob,
I just wanted to acknowledge your leadership skills, gratitude, attitude, and your willingness to learn and grow. I believe in you. I also wanted you to know that I’m behind you 110% in helping your reach your dreams, whatever they may be.
Your Admirer,
Mark
I sent the postcard and forgot all about it. About a week later I received a phone call from Bob: “Hello?”. “Hi Mark, this is Bob.” Hi Bob. What’s going on?”. “I just wanted to thank you for the postcard you sent me”. ‘What Postcard?” (I didn’t even remember). “The postcard you sent last week”. “Oh yeah. No big deal”. “Stop. Stop Mark. You’ll never know what that postcard meant to me. That postcard was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me in my whole life.”
Bob then went on to share the story of his family and his childhood. It had to be one of the most horrible stories of abuse I had ever heard. The story made me admire Bob even more. It was hard to imagine how Bob, with that background, could have turned out with such an open, loving heart.
I came away from the phone call shaken up. And for days I kept thinking about how a few kind words could have such an impact on another person. The impact of the postcard stayed with me all the time.
I was in a sandwich shop a few days later and a friendly young girl was working behind the counter. She was so lively and enjoyed serving the customers. In the past if I saw a quality in another person I would keep it to myself. But now I remembered the postcard. So I told her “I wanted to tell you what a bright light you are to the customers. It’s a wonderful quality you have, and wonderful service you give”. She lit up.
A few days later I was in a restaurant and complimented the waitress. “Thank you so much. I was having a bad day until you said that”. Those few kind words changed her day.
Through these experiences, and as I went through my life, a realization occurred to me: Most people go through life living in a desert of encouragement. They could be surrounded by hundreds or thousands of people and still feel unrecognized, unappreciated, and not valued by others. (Of course this doesn’t address the more fundamental issue of loving or valuing themselves, but that’s the whole other side of the lesson).
Sometimes one or two words of loving kindness and validation can change a person's life. The power of a kind word is the power of love.