Thursday, 11th May, 2017
09.42
Bloody typical! I just had a call from the housing officer. She, now, won't be here until this afternoon. She was supposed to be here at 10.30. I've got my MOT done though.
14.10
We are still waiting. As an added bonus, I received a letter from the school, saying they were full. We will go on the waiting list.
17.20
One home visit later and one, complete 're-application to housing later, I am still no better off than I was. She was a very nice girl but the truth is, not enough houses and even with our situation, we are bottom of a very long list. I have to look privately. I might get help with deposits and shit. I feel deflated. That's what you get when you grow up in Surrey and think you can stay there, because that where your support is.
What can I say? Hello Hounslow?
Friday, 12th May, 2017.
06.46
I just went to bed. After looking at the rental prices, I just gave up. I'll just have to wait for my turn to come around on the social housing. Concentrate on getting Louis into school. Get all the appropriate benefits in place. As you can imagine, my mood is dark. Bottom line, this country couldn't give a shit.
11.52
I am working in Canary Wharf today so we have decided to have gourmet burger. It never impresses me that much but it's probably the cheapest thing in the area.
21.37
Louis has gone for his sleep over.
Monday, 15th May, 2017
07.05
Louis seemed to enjoy himself. He's definitely getting very bored though. I've done another school application. Contacted the solicitor to ask for all relevent documents from my ex.
It all seems pointless. I'm pretty much ready to give up.
https://open.spotify.com/user/1144009802/playlist/5LvAV3qIiVCeKXwaKSnriI
Monday, 15th May, 2017.
08.13
"All I know is, no one is my friend, and It's empty at the end." - Electric Soft Parade.
It just continues, regardless of input or interest or effort. No feeling. Just a dull thud inside my chest.
The drearyness of the day doesn't help. I want to tell you how appreciative I am, but my sickness forces my indignance.
I don't deserve compassion and should be shot.
08.55.
Another day, another grimy shithole!
"The meaning of life" shit. It was easier when it was, simply, 42. Real life has a tendency to be an utter cunt.
17.58
I've done all the form filling I can do. Sent all the emails I can s nd and made all the phone calls I can stomach. I'm sure it will mean something, but right now, it feels like a waste of Time.
Tuesday, 16th May, 2017.
10.50.
No work. No point. No money. Christ! PLEASE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPEN!!!!
12.21
Drinking Guinness in The George whilst Louis has his haircut. It's a non stop merry go round of excitement. I know the diary has fallen on hard times. The main reason for this is my replacement phone. Its just about able to help me keep a record of things.
Wednesday, 17th May, 2017.
12.13
Another shitty, rainy day. Been told by latest school admissions that I need to have it put to the board of education, as to whether he's missed too much school?!
So, if he has, what does that mean? He's on his own? Fucking country.
15.33
I've got to be on the 05.38 tomorrow due to drilling restrictions at Canary Wharf. What a pain in the arse. I need some muse type inspiration to get myself out of this slump. My muse is slowly fading into the misty past( a bit of drama for ya!).
Thursday, 18th May, 2017
05.47
As expected, the rest of yesterday slipped away. That's pretty much how days go now. Nothingness stacked upon nothingness. Carter went out and bought Louis some Key Stage 3 books to keep his brain active. If the Surrey education board feel that Louis has been out of school too long, they won't grant him a place in any school. Fuck knows what I'll do then.
14.02
Looks like no work tomorrow. It just gets worse and worse. I'll ask if Sonny(my other son) wants to stay this weekend if it's definately no work. I was planning on taking Louis into London this weekend to buy luxury cheese. No point without money.
*No more diary until my proper phone returns.
So.
A little time has past and nothing much has changed. A child access agreement and divorce proposal from "her", a thousand government forms filled in and sent.
Why is it the end then?
It's not really. It's the end of this chapter, I suppose. It's time to concentrate on the future. Not the past. Things will only get better now. I know that.
Of course, the darkness, created by the disease I have, will always show it's face from time to time. I just have to learn to use it to my advantage. Anyone who knows me, will know how much I excel in the darkness. Drawing from its power.
My lust for madness and chaos will always remain. The desire to push my physical, emotional and mental boundaries to the Fucking limit, is key to my existence.
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - HST.
I have talents. Musically, artistically, that I need to accept. Use what I have, to push those forward. Stop fighting against it.
waffle waffle waffle
What am I saying? Time to start again. Move on. Bore everyone with a different story. A better story, I hope.
A few more "i"s to dot and "t"s to cross, then see where it goes.
Go easy.
Step Lightly.
Stay Free.
Xx.
