I woke up suddenly as I was being chased by two zombie black wolves. I could still remember the vivid eyes and the snarling teeth dripping with saliva as I tried to escape.
Why zombie form? It could be that the dream itself was in a zombie apocalypse. It might be because a watched a video of the slow death of The Walking Dead series (I think I checked out season 6 and never picked it up again even when the ex suddenly started watching it again)
The first wolf could be because of the anxiety that I am feeling again when reading this article. I know a lot of people still have thoughts that it was just a "plandemic" and that it wasn't real and all the lockdowns that happened was a knee jerk response that impeded their lives.
Yet to me, it was very real. I almost became a statistic. Almost 2 years ago but I still feel its effect to me physically and mentally. I just recently got better in handling how I felt about going to clinics and hospitals, and getting examined.
Photo by Chris Ensminger on Unsplash
You see having that experience of getting hooked up to a ventilator, of getting woken up 6am everyday to have 6 vials of my blood drained for lab testing. Of getting x-rayed every few days and that traumatizing feeling of the mini drownings I experienced every time they had to suction my breathing tubes for the condensed water droplets.
That was one of the worst aspects. Of seeing each drop condensed and collect in one of the tubes. You are afraid to move because you fear that it may dislodge the collected water and it goes down into your lungs and you experience a coughing spasm that is akin to the choking and mini drowning experience. Your mind panics as you press the red call button but it feels like an eternity before someone comes in and suctions the liquid. I gave up twice and just wanted to die. To end that experience.
Eventually, I did survive but everything has changed. I got the long COVID effects of mental fog moments, some short-term memory loss and a decreased intellectual capacity. I felt dumber and unsure of myself. I also experienced a decreased lung capacity, I get tired so easily and am unable to push myself physically. It is as if a limiter has been set.
Speaking of my lungs of course I will always have scars show up in my x-ray. During a routine examination, I disclosed this and that I was cleared but much to my annoyance it still appeared in the findings and I was once again asked to go back and get an x-ray. At that point, I was not okay. I didn't like being in hospitals, and clinics, getting my blood drawn and being x-rayed. I had an idiotic mindset that I will never be in a hospital again. It was the trauma talking. I got time and time asked again to have it completed and I kept explaining why I was having difficulties in completing it. Then I was told "can't you just get over it and do it". Those words felt like a knife to the heart. It completely disregarded the trauma I had. It felt so uncaring. I checked out that moment.
I was so angry though and I had to vent it out. It got me to talking with a professional and we used CBT which is really effective to me. We eventually did get to exposure therapy little by little until eventually I did get better. I did eventually "get over it" but it took months and a lot of therapy.
The second wolf could be some realizations and insights lately from my last session. It gave me some uncomfortable thoughts and I am still processing it.
While I don't hold too much water on dream analysis dreaming of being chased by wolves is not a good feeling.
I am writing it all down as writing has always been a form of therapy for me. To be able to out down the words and ideas in physical form. To be able to articulate and analyze the words and emotions as words have power.
I still don't know what this will bring...