I feel the need to write this post after my cousin, who was more like a brother, took his own life last week due to undiagnosed mental health problems.
For around 18-20 months, I battled with a severe case of anxiety and panic attacks. For this period of time, my life was literal hell. It felt like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. Every day felt like it was going to be my last.
For anyone that has suffered with panic attacks, they will tell you how crippling the condition can be. Simple tasks like going to work, doing the shopping or meeting with friends triggered a response that would lead to a complete meltdown. Many people have been admitted to the hospital after mistaking their symptoms for a heart attack, so you can imagine how terrifying the experience is.
I cried many nights alone, and my friends and family were none the wiser. I was on my own.
Sometimes, simply leaving the house would trigger an episode: rapid heart beat, shallow breaths and an impending sense of doom. I experienced this every single day, multiple times a day, for almost two years. It could have very well been the end of me, but it wasn't. I conquered it. Alone.
I didn't ever take medication or resort to drugs or alcohol - I decided I would rather die than go down that road, as such 'remedies' often lead to a myriad of other problems. (Unfortunately, though, many people perceive doctors as the ultimate 'authority' and are often prescribed highly toxic drugs without acknowledging the dangers. But that's for another post).
If I couldn't conquer this thing on my own, then it would conquer me - there was no middle ground.
So, how did I do it? By simply letting go of fear. A completely irrational fear that kept me imprisoned for far too long.
But how did I do that - let go of the fear? I'll try my best to explain.
When you first experience a panic attack or a serious bout of anxiety, the last thing you want is to experience another one - especially in public. Because of the intensity of the attack, it leaves an imprint in your consciousness that puts you into constant state of alert and panic. Suddenly, due to the severity of the initial attack, you're constantly anticipating the next one. And the next one. And the next one...
It seems like a never ending cycle: Intense panic attack, followed by exhaustion due to the release of adrenaline, followed by intense worry and anticipation of the next attack, followed by another panic attack. This process continued until I came to a sudden realization: How could I fear the next attack when I had already been through the worst?
I had been through hell, and it didn't kill me. I was still here, standing, breathing, living. Why was I constantly anticipating the next episode when I had already endured the worst it had to offer? I realized, then, that these attacks couldn't hurt me. I realized, then, that I was in control and the master of my own destiny.
Now, due to the ongoing attacks that had left an imprint in my subconscious mind -- even though I had come to this realization -- the attacks still continued. The body, or subconscious mind, automatically triggered the attacks because it was deeply etched into my consciousness. This time, however, there was no more fear. At the onset of an attack, I would simply affirm to myself that I had already endured the worst and nothing bad could come from this next episode. Once I let go of that fear, the panic attacks eventually subsided. It was a gradual process, but they soon dissolved and I felt a sense of freedom that I had never experienced before.
Perhaps my cousin was experiencing this and much more. If I had kept it to myself, how many other people are suffering from this condition without opening up? Perhaps you, anonymous internet user reading this blog, are going through a similar ordeal.
If this post has helped you, or someone you know, I feel like I have done my cousin proud and potentially saved someone else from unecessary suffering.
Thank you for reading,
In Lak'ech