In Part 1 we covered the preparation involved in becoming a successful crypto Trader. In this, Part 2. We will delve into the murky world of exchanges, alt coins and mysterious meetings with hat wearing men in dark and unlikely places.
Again I would re-iterate my warning that following this course of action may irrevokably change the course of your life. One day you may be a King and the next? A coinless fool loitering in taverns offering hand shandies for pennies.
So, we have our hat, cocked at a rakish angle and have burned 80% of our most precious belongings. We are ready! Let's start with a nice round figure, say 100 dollars.
1. Choose your exchange.
Most people plump for Poloniex or Bittrex. I myself go for Bittrex as I have never been a fan of 8 bit graphics. If however, this type of thing floats your boat, open an account on The Polo. You had better get a soft cushion for your arse though as you will spend a lot of your time logging in and out and generally just waiting.
2. Choose your first coin.
There is a myth, that to invest in crypto currency you should research each potential coin, find out its real world uses, developments that lie ahead, heck, even read... The whitepaper.
Bahjinas I say to that, utter nonsense. All you need is balls, lots of steaming fat balls. Once you've got balls you dont need anything else.
Choose a coin with a pretty name, one that sings to you. This shall be your first purchase.
3. Place your bid
You think to yourself that you will buy 10 of these coins. MISTAKE! Never show your hand by placing an order for a round number of coins.
Instead place a bid for something with at least 8 decimal places. As you wanted 10 you should place a bid for a quantity of 9.42865127.
Now the system knows you for a player and your sale will proceed all the more quickly. Try it ;O)
4. Building your portfolio
No honest trader will admit to holding less than five different coins. So go ahead, find four more pretty names to invest in. Names that suggest panache or an element of skullduggery. If you are stuck remember this piece of sage advice from my first coin sensei.
Never buy a coin with a vowel in its abbreviation, that way lies ruin.
5. Price Watch
Your sales wen't through and you now own 100 dollars worth of several different coins. Download an app that allows you to monitor your portfolio real-time (e.g Blockfolio) and then go about your day as normal. Make sure to check the price every two to three minutes over the coming hours. Observe how your coins lose value. Fight the temptation to weep hot and salty tears of shame and embarassment.
6. Sow the magic beans
Once your portfolio has decreased by at least 50%, log back in to your exchange and double up by buying the same quantity of each coin again at their now vastly discounted price. This is a little known technique called Dollar cost averaging which almost certainly guarantees a sniff of the turkey's shin. Send a text to your ex partner advising them that
7. Expand your contacts
No-one ever made it to the top without some networking​. Purchase some cheap grain-based liquor and avail yourself to the nearest park. Consume your alcohol with gusto over the coming hours. You will inevitably be approached at some point asking for a little of what you've got. Nod wisely and share your drink, reply only with consonants. You have made contact.
8. Ascending the throne
Now that you have a portfolio there is no need to constantly check it. That is amateurish. Instead when drinking your coarse liquor with your new park associates send random texts to old friends from Facebook that you haven't seen for many years advising them of the fortunes you are gaining. Always end your texts with a trading term. For example London's open, time to shit lemons.
9. Daddy's biscuits
At some point you will awake. There will be people muttering words like intervention and for his own good around you. You may be lying on a clean bed, birds tweeting outside the window. Calmly ask how many years have passed whilst counting your remaining teeth with your tongue. When they tell you, try not to faint.
Check blockfolio. You should now be a millionaire.
It's that easy, why put it off till tomorrow?