Today I had the fortune not to be at work. Instead, me and the little lady had day off together and had decided to do something fun and funky.
As is typical of Scotland, it was pishing down with rain.
Not to be deterred I asked the little lady what she wanted to do today. I expected the answer to be softplay or some such twoddle and merrily slurped my coffee whilst she pondered.
She looked out the window with some annoyance.
It's raining.
Why yes my darling. You have your Daddy's rapier-like wit!
What's a raper?
Ahem, let move on lass. Silly daddy talking rubbish as ever. What would you like to do today?
I want to see a monkey.
Phew. I aint a fan of zoos but anything that stopped her asking me what a raper was every five minutes for the next seven hours was a win-win for me. In no time at all we were out and pulling up outside a local mini zoo place that I knew had monkeys.
We traipsed through the botanic glasshouse section around a Coffee plant (which was flipping massive) and came upon the Capuchin monkey enclosure. My daughter excitedly ran up to the glass and watched them leap about in awe.
Being the devoted parent I whipped out my phone and checked the price of my crypto coins before hurriedly scrolling through my steemit feed.
I glanced up to make sure my daughter hadn't managed to break in and ride the monkeys around like little ponies.
A monkey was staring at me. He was a deep looking sort. I found myself transfixed by his big intelligent brown eyes. What are you trying to tell me oh wise one? I thought.
He raised a hand slowly, ever so slowly and turned the palm out to face me. I couldn't help it. I raised a hand palm out back at him. We were communicating! He lowered his palm to his side. Entranced, I mirrored his move.
He wrinkled his nose and squeezed out a fat cigar-like poo before lifting it and chewing on it thoughtfully.
Daddy why is that monkey eating his poo?
Obviously taking the fucking piss but I declined from saying that.
Good question lass, who knows. Monkeys are silly.
Millions of questions on monkey poo later we arrived home, tired but happy. Mummy had finished from work. My little lass bounded over to her.
Mummy! What's a raper?
The good lady looked at me quizzically.
I sighed. Some days you just can't win.