That's me, on-call. No drinking for a month or at least till the birth!
Said the good lady excitedly, glancing up from her phone which had pinged mere moments earlier.
Eh?
My Danger Bells starting clanging and my back snarler tightened up involuntarily as if it scented rabbits.
What do you mean, on-call and perhaps more importantly... No drinking?
My voice had quite the quiver to it like one of Robin Hood's merry men.
The good lady put her phone down and cocked a hand onto her hip.
Daddy-bear, seriously? Don't you listen to a word I say? I have been talking about this for weeks now.
Ah the thing, I didn't realise you meant that thing you were going to do...
I said with utmost confidence. I nodded wisely at a picture on the wall.
You have obviously forgotten so I shall remind you. I am attending my first birth as a Doula. So I have to be on call for two weeks before the due date and two weeks after.
She gave me a prod with a bony doula-like finger.
Remember now?
I did remember, somehow I had filed it in my head under non-important shit. Hmm, I might have to change the classification now.
Wow, you look excited?
Of course I am, you big daftie. it is exciting. Now we have to talk about what preparations to make for the kids if I am away for more than a day.
I made a face as if my nipples had turned into small snuffling noses.
You don't have to worry about me. I will be fine and so will the kids. I am more worried about you.
In my head was a whirling memory of broken things and blood and screaming.
Me?
Said the good lady incredulously.
Why worry about me?
Well, lass. It's a birth. You will be seeing it from the other side. I cannot begin to describe the horror of it all.
The good lady looked quite indignant as if I had massaged her for two minutes instead of the agreed upon five.
It might have escaped your notice Daddy-bear but I have given birth to two kids. I think I am quite well versed in the area of birthing.
I swallowed heavily.
You don't know what it's like lass. You haven't seen it from the other end.
She placed a hand on my arm and looked at me like I was a fool.
It's ok, Daddy-bear, I know what a vagina looks like. I'm not frightened.
You say that now. But when the screeching bloody tentacled thing comes bursting out of the giant raggedy tarantula that used to be a vagina, well...
I shuddered violently.
And don't get me started on the placenta...
I made several boak'y type burps.
She shook her head.
I think you are over-egging it slightly.
I stepped close and gave her a big hug.
I wish I was lass. I wish I was.
I held her a bit longer. So she could enjoy this time she had before witnessing the ravaging despair that was to come...