Since the first month of this year, I've been singing it to myself that I want to change my life this year. The more I said it, the more I saw all the work that needs to be done for even the smallest change to happen, I began to struggle to start.
To start became hard because I had no clarity on what exactly and how exactly I should go about why I want to change my life. I've had enough of my old life but in all honesty, I am yet to fully show up for the work that will make the change.
I've shared a few of that journey here, trying out new things, being consistent with a few and simply changing the time I wake up to get at least one thing done before I start my day with others. All of that has been pushing me towards change.
But I know deep down that I'm yet to fully show up because what I am aiming at, requires more than just waking up early to read a chapter of a book. Even though that is a lot of difference to what I do before, the change I seek require more.
I want to change the mindset I grew up with, I want to change my financial situation, I want to change my confidence level, I want to change my tendency to be always afraid of something new or strange to what I know... It's a lot to change.
I think I'm procrastinating to start, to fully show up because of the things that would disappear when I do. Admitting it right now is actually hitting hard on me than I can say, I wish I don't have to admit it but had just started showing up.
This is what disappears when I truly show up.
- I'll shift focus from family to myself and my family will feel the change immediately, they may think I've become a rebel to them. But deep down, I know even if that happens, it's only a confirmation that "People want you to love yourself until you actually do". Crazy!
If I want to change my life, I have to focus on what my life needs and doesn't need to change and it's sad to admit, some family beliefs, attitudes and mindset are not in that favour. If I must change theirs, I have to start from changing mine. That mindset disappears when I show up.
- I'll have responsibilities that will take away the times I consider myself lazy and time to do whatever I like, not considering if they would help me grow or not. I am reluctant to show up truly because I think I'll get all too serious that life could get boring while I try to change.
From the little things I've been able to get started, there are some fun in it but the boring days seem more because this is about me breaking from what I'm used to. Fun that won't affect my life positively disappears when I truly show up.
There are more distractions that I may consider little that will disappear when I truly show up for what will change my life. In all of these, I believe it is "Fear" that will disappear when I do and that means, I'll be able to do even more than I can think I can do now. I will show up truly, I have to.
Images used are mine.