This is part two of my series: Things I Wish I Knew About Parenting Before Becoming a Parent.
In Part One I discussed how instant love is not a reality for all parents.
In Part Two I would like to highlight the fact that children do not fulfill you.
Children Do Not Fulfill You
You life may be filled and full after you become a parent, but the little darlings that make you a parent will not necessarily fulfill you. You fulfill yourself, the children are just part of your life landscape.
All of the goals and dreams that you had before becoming a parent are still going to be there. They will not automatically turn into silly nothings that you don't need anymore.
That dream of being a writer, or having a flat abs, becoming popular, learning new sewing techniques or something else, is not going to simply disappear or come true because you become a parent.
In fact, if you don't come to terms with your previous dreams and hopes, they will fester and rot and gnaw at you. If you aren't paying attention, you will be fooled into thinking that its the endless amount of laundry, the fact that dentists charge too much, your child's friends, or even their too curly hair (that makes it impossible to keep untangled) that is "wrong" with your life.
When you are fulfilled and happy with yourself, parenting still gets frustrating and its still hard work, but it doesn't eat at you, or bother you. It just kind of is something that is, or at most, something that needs an adjustment. Deep frustration comes from extraneous circumstances, and personal issues in the fulfillment section.
It is wonderful to teach a child something new
And its wonderful when you get them to look just right for holiday pictures. Its wonderful when they say cute things at the right time. Its wonderful when they hug and kiss you and let you know that you are the best thing that ever happened to them in their life.
A kid's first (or hundredth) "I love you" is nurturing and sweet.
BUT IT WILL NOT FULFILL YOU IF YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN CARE OF YOUR OWN SELF
You might find yourself in a fulfilling position after becoming a parent. You might like your own role as the "master crafter" the "fixer of things" and the "person in charge of the remote control." You might make new titles for yourself such as "Master of the Wifi" and "Official Shoe Fitter." And you might even get given rolls assigned to you like "laundry monster" or "cook."
Those titles can only be worn with pride because you accept them, not because the kids say them and laugh at them.
Don't be fooled, its only fulfilling because YOU grew and changed into it, not because of the children
Children will not automatically fulfill you and sometimes we are fooled into thinking that fulfillment comes from parenting. Seeing parents at a wedding, or graduation, or even a sports event, makes us feel that the actions of their children make them feel good about themselves. Like if they gained something from having such an awesome kid. They did. But that kid, did not make them fill their original goals and dreams.
Those goals and dreams need to be addressed, filled or left behind. Children might help that process along, but there is still inner work that has to come from you.
Children are not a magic pill that makes you feel good about yourself just because they exist. (Although I do admit that there is a satisfaction that comes from watching them sleep after a good day, and that them being around existing happily is all that I want for them) It adds a whole lot of stress and angst to their lives to have their parents fulfill themselves through them. Give them a chance at a happy childhood and make sure to fulfill yourself.
putting dreams on a back burner
This can sometimes be a good way to enjoy being the "cuddle monster" without having had finished your bucket list. I am ok with waiting until my kids know better than to get into my needle stash before taking up sewing again.
Its ok to wait until you are done with your pregnancy and breast feeding before gong back to your goal of fit abs.
Dreams and goals keep growing as you do, and they change. You don't automatically stop working towards your dreams because you become a parent. You adjust and change and grow.
Putting things in the back burner, or waiting for a better time is ok. As long as you are addressing your needs and not waiting for children to fulfill you.
Thank you for taking the time to read part Two of my series. I appreciate the time you took to read my post.
Do you agree or disagree with my stance? I would LOVE to hear your opinion.