Monday 10th April - The Diary of A Modern Man.
My aim of playing it cool with Amber just crashed and burned; I just told her how much I keep thinking about her. How much I really like her. She hasn't replied yet. I tried calling her but it went to the machine. I probably should have taken that as a sign; but no, not me, I decided to pour my heart out over text instead :/
I had been really worried that this was going to be just a 'move'. That subconsciously I felt that this would improve my chances of something happening, and that's why I was feeling the urge to do it. Although, I'd say it seems pretty safe to say that it's how I feel about her at the moment.
Having said that, I was speaking to Mike about Danni today. Now things are completely casual between Danni and I. On my half at least. I'm feeling a real need to text her now though. Things have been just physical between us, but she is now over 200 miles away. Surely, it's no longer just physical? I don't think I can like this girl, we get one very well, but emotionally we just don't click. I'm pretty worried that this means I'm not anywhere near as ready for a serious relationship as I'd hoped. Or, even worse, that my feelings for Amber aren't as strong as I thought.
Maybe it's not either of those. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought.
On another equally depressing note, my Grandpa is in hospital with some pretty serious heart problems. He's always been a huge part of my life. A true gentleman and role model. Without a doubt, he is one of the reasons I am who I am. However, I have a nagging sensation that I won't be upset as I should be if anything happened to him.
Am I too cold and hardened to feel sadness?
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