Parenting girls is really tough.
I mean "sounds like you've got it all figured out, I'll just pack my bags and sign out for a few months", "but we were just laughing and now you want to die?!?!", "if you slam that door one more time I'm going to.....!!!!!....(shit...*uck...dammit...get creative)...make you clean the bathrooms!!!!" kinda tough.
I have a pre-teen daughter. She's not even a teenager yet and I'm already complaining...there's probably no hope for me. A large part of me wishes I still smoked pot or I could drink a ton of alcohol without a 3 day hangover, because I'd probably enjoy this stage of parenting a hell of a lot more.
"She is everything I am not. Literally. We are opposites."
It's not comparable to anything else and I have a boy too, so I can do a shed load of comparing if I want to...and I do, in my head, when I'm rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor wondering what happened to my sweet baby girl, "when she get's older we can do each other's hair and giggle watching girly movies" i used to think while rubbing my growing baby bump 12 years ago. (joke...I wish I had time for self pity.)
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE my daughter. She is everything I am not. Literally. We are opposites. Which is great, because she helps me be a better person. She reminds me to listen, she encourages me to reflect, she enlightens me with her different interests and she inspires me to be healthy, active and eat well. And she loves me too, a lot. It's fulfilling to feel loved by your pre-teen daughter, once a week on Fridays when you agree to take her shopping for a new piece of clothing.
I had my daughter when I was young, young enough for our friends to ask us, 'so are you going to keep it?' when we announced our pregnancy news. I was 3 weeks shy of my 22nd birthday when she graced my life with her awesomeness. Her dad and I met at University near London and we got engaged within 6 months. Did we rush into things? Yes. Do I regret it? No, mostly no, except for when he doesn't take out the trash. That's right, 15 years later we are still married and desperately trying to figure out how to be good parents to two very different but equally amazing kids.
" 'Just leave it' works really well for him because he has me."
My husband takes the 'just leave it' approach. It works for him. He wants our kids to be independent, think for themselves, figure things out on their own and to grow up to be just like him. This approach works for him because he literally does 'just leave it'. I mean everything. He 'just leaves' the kids fight to the brink of death. He 'just leaves' his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor every morning. He 'just leaves' our daughter to slam every door in the house before asking me what was wrong with what he said to her. He 'just leaves' the chocolate wrappers on the coffee table. He 'just leaves' the trash to overflow until the dogs spread it all over the house. 'Just leave it' works really well for him because he has me.
I am an 'all or nothing' parent. My 'all' parenting side is like 'all hands on deck', emotionally and physically supportive (hugs and gentle words at the same time - go me!), hugging before yelling (most of the time), 'let's try and work this out', 'we can do it together', 'how did that make you feel?', 'I'll help you clean your room if you help me weed the garden'.
But my 'or nothing' parenting side is empty. Blank. Don't know what to do. I want to run away, hide. I eat a whole box of chocolates or go for a run, depending on the time of month. I call my mom but then 1 minute into the conversation I realise she *ucked me and my sister up so probably best not to get advice from her, so I pretend I have to go take a kid to a dance class to end the convo quickly. The 'or nothing' part of my parenting is me, not knowing what the *uck to do next and crying to my husband begging him to get involved and help me. He hugs me and tells me to 'just leave it' because 'it will work itself out on its own'. That's when he get's the 'or nothing' wife. She ain't pretty. I'll save her for another blog post, she needs her own space.
"From their birth to our death, our daughters need us to cherish them."
When my daughter has an emotional breakdown about something I think is trivial, when she's not feeling heard, when she feels like we don't understand her, when she needs something but doesn't know what, it's our job to help. Apparently I'm supposed to know what to do in those moments. I do not. I have tried it all. I've been silent, I've tried to reason with her, I've tried to listen, I've laughed in her face (ashamed but really, sometimes it's borderline comedy), I've ignored her and I've screamed back at her. I have even smacked her, not hard, on her thigh, but I have smacked her and it didn't work, made me feel like shit and her cry more, of course. That was when I realised that I really don't have a clue and needed help.
About 12 months ago I bought a book on audible called 10 Things Girls Need Most by Steve Biddulph and another called The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting by Brené Brown. I listen to them a lot, about every couple of months. I need constant reminding that my daughter just wants me to love her. It sounds ridiculous and so obvious I know. I was once a single woman who judged parents, I know what you are thinking. I was once a mother of a cute little baby girl who I said I would never argue with and swore I would never scream at and promised I would kill myself if I ever smacked her. I know how simple it sounds to be a good mom. 'Just love your daughter' I say to myself when i need to. 'It's all she needs'. It sounds really simple.
'Cherish - protect and care for (someone) lovingly.' - Oxford English Dictionary
Cherishing my daughter is very hard sometimes, especially when i feel like she doesn't deserve to receive affection after the behaviour I just witnessed or the spiteful words that were spat at my or her father's direction. When her screams begin to fade into visions of me hiking the Camino de Santiago solo for 3 months in silence, I have shake my head back to reality and remind myself of how I feel when I am hurt, angry and upset about something. Running away doesn't work, ignoring her won't work and I know my husband's chilled out 'just leave it' attitude won't work either. When I am upset I just want someone to hold me and someone to listen. She is no different, she wants to be held, she wants to cry in a safe space and she wants me to listen to her, really listen. From their birth to our death, our daughters need us to cherish them.
Steve Biddulph in 10 Things Girls Need Most reminds me to stay calm, remain the parent, not to shout and scream, to be the type of woman who I want my daughter to be when she grows up. He also has a chapter on how teen girls revisit their toddler years during their pre-teen and early teen years. We are gifted with a 2nd chance, an opportunity to reconnect with our daughters to heal past pains and separation issues and/or build a stronger nurturing relationship with them. They mimic their toddler years in this stage, becoming suddenly very needy, emotional, have toddler type tantrums, they are dramatic and just plain difficult at times. (I'll take a stubborn two year old girl over a confused 11 year girl old any day.) His book is full of helpful advice on how to help our daughters through their day to day struggles, how to respond to their needs in a respectful way and how to help your daughter build a strong self image through changing the way we project ourselves in our home and to the world.
Brené takes a different approach in The Gift of Imperfect Parenting. I like her fresh, honest and skilled story telling. She is easy to listen to and takes you on a journey through her own challenges as a parent. She doesn't tell you what to do or give you hints and tips, but she offers 'guideposts' to help us through difficult situations or challenging times in our parenting journey. It's not specifically aimed at girls, but Brené uses situations with her daughter as examples throughout the book and rarely mentions her son. We all know what that means.
Listening to these audiobooks doesn't give me practical advice that I apply to our everyday life. They don't fix my problems nor do they make me feel better about the choices I've made as a parent, especially the choices I regret. They do however soften my heart. They help me put my guard down. They remind me that my daughter is my daughter and it's my job as her mother to cherish her because no one else will, nor should they, until she is grown up and ready to open her precious heart to someone who will cherish it like I've shown her it deserves. If we as her parents don't cherish and nurture her in her teen years just as much as we did when she was a toddler, she will seek to be cherished by someone or something else, because girls just want to be loved.
It's hard work to be 'Sympathy Mom' every. single. day. We as have our own stresses, our own life challenges and our own marriage to manage, plus other kids, work, homes to run, pets to care for...on and on. The Camino de Santiago sounds so nice right now. Birds chirping, wind blowing, trees rustling, no people, just nature. (I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, smiled. When I opened my eyes I saw my beautiful, growing young girl snuggled on our sofa watching a movie, she looked up at me and smiled having no idea that I was just picturing myself in 'peace at last' after running away from her to venture the northern parts of Spain alone). How could I possibly ever leave her? She needs me and I need her. I promise myself I will cherish her forever. The Camino will have to wait until my baby is grown.