Relationships improve when gifts are given because both partners secretly expect it.
It’s easy to forget that “random acts of kindness” can be beneficial for people close to us just as much as for random strangers. Too often the little things we do for loved ones come with strings attached. We cook a meal out of duty or do the shopping out of guilt for some transgression.
For a marriage to be successful, however, we need to give gifts unconditionally.
Your parents or caregivers met your needs unconditionally when you were a baby, and thus people grow up expecting the same from a partner.
On an unconscious level, we see our partners as caregivers, so we expect them to always know precisely what we want. Yes, we’re essentially asking our partners to be mind readers! Specifically, these acts of kindness should not be random, as they might be with strangers; they need to address each partner’s individual needs and desires. When you arrive home with a headache and a craving for a sugary snack, you want to hear the bath water running and smell cookies in the oven.
By giving personally tailored gifts, you can improve your relationship, but how can you know what your partner wants?
couples can ask each other to list all the things they secretly wished their partners would do for them, such as coming home with a bouquet of flowers. The partners exchanged lists so they could then grant each other’s wishes.
The method was successful. Stuart found that granting wishes was an effective way for partners to show each other that they cared.
In fact, it doesn’t matter whether a giver truly cares or is just going through the motions! The receiver feels loved regardless, because the giver is focusing energy on them.
It is when you direct your energy away from yourself and toward your partner that deep level psychological and spiritual healing begins to take place.
How do you find out what your partner wants? By listening to your partner, of course!
But some ways of listening are better than others. Follow these three simple steps to improve communication in your relationship.
Step one is mirroring. This may seem obvious, but you need to confirm you’ve heard what your partner has said. Do this by paraphrasing your partner’s problem from your partner’s perspective. Instead of saying sorry or explaining yourself, reformulate your partner’s words to show you’ve heard them correctly.
For example, if Partner A says “Since last year, your drinking has become a problem.” Instead of apologizing, Partner B should say: “I see that my drinking has been bothering you for a year now.”
Step two is validating. Show your partner you understand their reasoning.
Nobody likes to think they’re crazy. By showing that you see the logic of your partner’s opinion, you’re telling your partner that their concerns are real.
The third and final step is empathizing. Show you understand how your partner is feeling.
When people exaggerate an emotional state, they are often trying to get through to an unemotional partner. When a husband starts shouting at his wife, instead of withdrawing from his anger, the wife should acknowledge it. This simple act will help to dissipate the anger.
To be continued...