As a parent I aim to raise respectful, polite and thoughtful children. I want them to feel safe and loved and respected themselves. Whilst trying to do this I also have to be mindful of their person space and feelings as does every parent. However my children come with a few differences to every other child.
Let me explain where this post is heading, my children are autistic, my children don’t like to be touched, they don’t like to speak to strangers or people they know sometimes, they don’t like to hug and kiss family memebers goodbye, they don’t like to look people in the eyes. All of these things, plus a fair few more actually cause them physical pain.
It is not them being naughty or rude. When they cover their ears it’s because their brains are about to explode from the sensory overload. When they shut their eyes in the sunlight or brightly lit shopping centres, it’s because the light is more than they can handle. When they hide behind me when someone speaks to them it’s because they become so anxious they are trying to stop themselves from vomiting.
Miss 1 avoiding the sunlight in the car!
When they can’t look you in the eye as you speak to them and turn their heads away, they are trying to listen, it’s a battle within themselves and it takes time for them to win themselves over. Sometimes they can, sometimes they can’t. But all of these situations can be made better or worse depending on your behaviour, not theirs.
Autistic children feel and see things in a completely different way to us. Their perception of certain situations is often the complete opposite to what you would think. For example, when my grandfather comes to visit, he loves to play with the kids, unfortunately his idea of playing is to tickle them until their in a fit of laughter. Now this works with my brothers children, they love it, however my children hate it.
Miss 3 hiding from all the noise at the mechanics! She was pretty pleased with herself once I found her.
They can’t stand being tickled and grabbed. To them it isn’t fun, it’s torture. Now I have tried to explain this to my 89 year old grandfather whom I love dearly, but he doesn’t understand. He thinks I’m just trying to stop him from playing with his great grand babies. The same problem arises when it’s time for him to go home. He expects a hug and a kiss goodbye. When my children run or refuse and hide behind me, he thinks they are being rude.
It’s not just family that don’t understand or listen when I explain why my children behave the way they do either. I’ve often contemplated making them shirts with big bold print that say, I’m Autistic, not naughty! On one occasion a parent of another child came over to me in the midst of Master 10 having his biggest meltdown ever and told me to get control of my child. Let’s just say she was lucky their were children present or the talking down she would have received would have left her burnt for a month.
Master 10 wearing his headphones to block out the noise. I really need to get him some proper ones.
Master 10 had been excitedly waiting for the day when a Nation football player was coming to our school to open the new football posts. It was all he talked about for weeks. When the day finally arrived, we walked up to the undercover area where the kids were all supposed to wait to meet and get their balls and shirts signed. Unfortunately, we were a tiny bit late and Master 10 walked around the corner only to be greeted with kids and parents and staff all snapping photos and lining up for autographs.
The noise and the people and the level of anticipation became to much for my poor little man. He lost it. I managed to get him to a seat where he began to have a complete meltdown, it unfortunately was only made worse by his friends and teachers all rushing over to see if he was ok. He wasn’t and in their haste to help they made it so much worse. He finally screamed “go away” and covered his ears and shut his eyes and started rocking mback and forth. I asked for them all to just go away.
I new their was nothing to do but keep everyone away and let it pass, all he needed was space, time and everyone to stop looking at him. I couldn’t move him as he is unable to walk when he gets like that and he is not 5 anymore so I couldn’t carry him either. He then started grunting, again an uncontrollable reaction to the stress and that’s when it happened.
The mother of another student walked over and proceeded to tell me to control my child, that he was ruining everything and that I should just take him home or get him to be quiet. She finished by telling me that I was extremely rude for not allowing the staff to help, well my face must have said everything my mouth didn’t, cause she moved away rather quickly. But the damage was done, even in his state, he heard what she had said. This only added to his emotional turmoil.
Master 5 mid meltdown.
This is just one of many occasions when my children’s behaviour has been mistaken for rudeness or disrespect and my behaviour mistaken for inept parenting. It happens all the time. What makes it worse is when people then have the nerve to comment and make rude remarks or worse intervene thinking that I’m doing nothing when that’s exactly what my child needs, for everyone to do nothing, stay away and let them process.
How you behave towards a child or adult with autism makes all the difference, now I’m not expecting everyone to become an expert on autism and all the possible behaviours and outcomes of every single situation. But, have a little common decency. When I tell you not to do something because it upsets them, don’t do it. When you see a child acting differently or perhaps even rudely or disrespectful. Let it go. It’s not your place to intervene.
If my children don’t want to give you a hug, it’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because they can’t. When they won’t look at you, they aren’t ignoring you, they can still hear what you are saying, you just need to give them time and this may take more than a few minutes. When my child covers their ears, stop talking, let them process what is happening around them.
Your feelings are not my main concern. My children are. Their feelings are more important than yours and mine. Do I get embarrassed when my children have these moments in public, yes, of course I do, is it going to make me change the way I behave, absolutely not. It is up to others to change the way they behave towards people with autism, expecting them to change is insanity.
Learn to ask the child what makes them comfortable. If they are unable to tell you, ask their parents or caregivers. Respect their boundaries and limits. Don’t expect those boundaries to change overnight. It takes a lot longer for a child with autism to become comfortable around a new person. It can take weeks and sometimes months.
Learn that certain behaviours are not a choice they are making, they are uncontrollable, expecting them to stop is like asking someone to just stop breathing, you can’t. Also learn and except that some things may never change. It is a part of who they are, we have to except them that way.
Thanks for reading and although I am no expert in the field of autism, if you have any questions regarding how to better interact with autistic children I am always here to give some advice and answer questions.
