So due to the content of my stories.. Aka the most embarrassing stuff ever.. I think it would be wise for me to stay slightly anonymous. Luckily I have always wanted to give myself a different name, so let's go with Megan.
I'm 28, live in Florida - The sunshine state, and I promise i'm attractive, even though after this story that might be hard to imagine. Here goes nothing....
I remember this one very clearly, although sometimes I really wish I could just erase this from EVERYONE’S memory let alone mine. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me calling literally everyone I know telling them about what happened to me.. Like my sister always tells me.. I have no shame in my game..
Anyway, this one started out as a pretty regular night, I called my two girlfriends and told them to come over to watch a movie and maybe smoke some weed. I had gone to the grocery store earlier that night to pick up some snacks to go with the movie.
I bought some ice cream sandwiches, some chips and the regular bullshit you eat during a movie right.
So me and my girls are smoking a little bit of weed watching 10 things I hate about you (yes best movie ever, don’t judge me) when my Tinder match messages me about doing something, so I told him sure come on over when the movie is finished. Rookie mistake…
My friends leave, my Tinder date is on his way and I’m about ready to eat EVERYTHING in my fridge, but all that’s left is the ice cream sandwiches I got specifically for my friends since I’m lactose intolerant.
Now I’m high as fuck and in my mind I’m thinking, one can’t hurt can it? So I eat four of them in 10 minutes.
I hide the evidence just in time and my Tinder date walks in, we had been talking for a while now and I REAAAALLLYYY liked him. I pour us a glass of wine, we make out for a little bit and he ends up staying the night, I’m going to spare you all off the details in between ;).
But like every girl does when a hot guy sleeps over, you don’t really wear anything to bed, now do you?
Trust me in this case I wish I had worn my SpongeBob onesie (again, don’t judge me)...
I wake up in the middle of the night and I realize something feels a little wet on the sheets. So I get up to go to the bathroom while this fucker is sound asleep and I realize I SHIT MY FUCKING PANTS WITHOUT PANTS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I’m fucking panicking and I don’t know what to do, I’m sure as shit not going back into that bedroom until I figure out some sort of game plan.
It’s 3 AM, but I decide to call my sister anyway, what other use does a sister have but call her when you shit yourself (and probably your date) in the middle of the night, right?
I explain the whole story trying to be as quiet as possible, and if you know me even a little bit, that was probably the greatest struggle of the evening.
She starts yelling: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHAT THE FUUUUCCCKKKK. Over and over again, I immediately regret my decision, I should have called my mom, my grandma, literally anyone else ... But then… Those magical words…
She tells me, I shit you not (no pun intended) go to the kitchen, set off the fire alarm and then tell him he needs to get the fuck out of there. So I put on my robe, go to the kitchen, realize I don’t how to set of a fire alarm so I just grab the joint that’s left, light it up and start blowing the smoke and holding it by the fire alarm as I’m standing on the kitchen counter.
Why I got surprised when it finally went off I don’t know, maybe it was the marijuana entering my system again, but my ass falls off the kitchen counter and then there’s Dave.. Just staring at my bare ass that had shit all over it 10 minutes ago.
I get up, tell him I couldn’t sleep so I decided to smoke a little bit and the fire alarm went off and he should probably go since it’s late and I have work in the morning, I grab all of his clothes from the bedroom as fast as I can and pretty much push him towards the door thanking him for a great night while he’s trying to put his pants on.
As Dave finally left the building, I realized I could never ever talk to him again, so I blocked his number, unmatched him on Tinder and erased him from my mind.
P.S: Dave, if you’re reading this… Hit me up on Steemit..