Want to negotiate for more money? Think creatively and differently about how you approach the bargaining table.Jennifer Lawrence is ferklempt. She’s the star of the amazingly successful Hunger Games movies. For those of you who don’t know anything about Hunger Games, just think of a more competitive version of the Food Channel. The highest-paid actress in the world, Jennifer made $52 million in the first eight months of this year. That’s enough to buy rugs made of real human hair—like Donald Trump’s used hairpieces (he doesn’t sell those cheaply).
The Sony security breach, however, showed that despite the large absolute numbers, she and other Hollywood women are still paid less than the men. Why? Because she figured she was already making enough, so she didn’t play hardball in the negotiations .... because deep down, she wanted everyone to like her.
Jennifer and I have a lot in common. Except that I’m not an actress, haven’t starred in anything successful, wasn’t discussed anywhere at Sony, and can’t afford a rug made of polyester, much less a Donald Trump toupee special. Plus, Donald Sutherland has never given me flowers … but we are both paid less than Bradley Cooper, and we both hold back in negotiations because we want to be liked.
I’m taking a negotiation class at Harvard Law School and have been working on this very issue. Let me share what I’ve learned. Jennifer, if you’re listening, today’s episode could make you millions.
Want to Be Liked?
There’s nothing wrong with being liked. When negotiating, it may well be one of your goals. But, Jennifer, you and I have been a bit confused. We’ve both been assuming that in order to get people to like us, we have to give them everything they want. Why do we assume this? It’s totally not true.
In a negotiation, everyone in the room knows that you have potentially competing interests in some areas, and areas of overlap in others. Think about negotiations you’ve been in. If you walk away liking or disliking the other person, it almost never has to do with whether they gave you every last thing you wanted.
Liking Is About the Process, Not the Outcome
What changes people’s feelings about you is how you treat them during the negotiation. It isn’t whether you negotiated an extra $100 million for yourself; it’s whether you treated them with respect as you negotiated the extra $100 million.
Separate the people issues from the problem at hand.
If people feel like you’ve listened to them, considered their points, and taken their interests into account, they’ll like you. They may not be happy with the outcome of the negotiation, but they’ll like and respect you.
This is called separating the people from the problem. You preserve the personal relationship with your conduct and with your interpersonal behavior. Then you approach the problem—your negotiation—with the full force of the awesome Mocking Jay rebel leader.Unlike Katniss, however, don’t go in with bow and arrow. A blazing dress? Perhaps. It makes a statement. But blazing weapons? No.
Part of why we think that being liked means giving away the farm is because we view negotiation as a conflict. We come in ready to do battle. Territory gained by one side is territory lost by the other.
Instead, come in with an attitude of creative mutual problem-solving. Not “we’re here to fight over money,” but “we’re here to see what we can accomplish together.” Even if they don’t have that attitude, you’ll be able to be more constructive and creative in your approach.
For example, if other things matter more to you than additional cash right now, you can propose a creative deal. You accept a 2% lower royalty rate on your current movie, giving them the cash to meet their quarterly numbers. They then agree to give future female stars royalty parity with their male co-stars.
This particular deal probably wouldn’t fly, but it’s an example of how you can address their profitability interests in return for them addressing your interests in equal pay.
Negotiate “for a Friend”
Now try a thought experiment. Pretend you are negotiating for a friend of yours who’s a real pushover. You would probably be able to stay respectful, creative, and firm when negotiating on behalf of your friend.
Well guess what? That friend … is you! During a negotiation, pretend you’re negotiating for your best friend. You would naturally stand up for your friend. You’d be respectful, but firm. “I’m sorry. A single Oreo Ice Cream cake each week just won’t do. My friend can’t go hungry for that long. We’ll need two Oreo Ice Cream cakes per week.” You’re stating your position and expressing your needs clearly enough that the negotiation should be able to reach a successful conclusion. And guess what: you’ll still be likable!
Let’s recap: when negotiating on your own behalf, it’s OK if you want people to like you. Just don’t let that get in the way. Get people to like you by treating them with respect, not by giving in. Keep your relationship separate from the negotiation terms. Come in with an attitude of mutual problem-solving, and pretend you’re negotiating on behalf of a friend.
Jennifer, if you’re listening, take this advice. It could be worth an extra $10 million for the next film you negotiate. I ask only one thing, please shoot me a one-time $5-6 million commission for the advice out of the additional money. It will help me be able to afford that new living room carpet, and I promise to like you forever. Respectfully.
This is Stever Robbins. Email topic requests to getitdone@quickanddirtytips.com. I run webinars and other programs to help people build extraordinary careers. If you want to know more, visit SteverRobbins.com. … and if you know Jennifer Lawrence, please pass along this episode.
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