At the end of August of this year our small family will celebrate an anniversary. It has been 4 years since we were married, 5 years since we were engaged and 6 years since we met.
Oh my God, 6 years! This period can be compared to a lifetime of a child, who is about entering school. But for me it seems like one moment, on the one hand, and on the other hand, like an eternity.
When I met my future husband, he asked me, "Do you realize that choosing a man, you choose your road in life?”
Yes, I do. I understand the meaning of this phrase. I realized that my husband’s lifestyle and profession would influence my own life. I wondered, for example, whether I would become a housewife, or would choose my own career, and so on. But having chosen my man, I realize that I have to choose many other aspects.
"Jolly girl".
One of these aspects, for example, is the depth of relationships between the spouses. I had two experiences in relationships with young men before the marriage. There was a tremendous difference in the depth of the relationships in the past and the relationships in my marriage. It was the difference in trust and sincerity. Since that time, I have changed myself greatly. In the past, I was constantly wearing a mask of a "jolly girl".
Moreover, I considered myself happy in my life and occupation, because I smiled! Why to think about the imperfections of the world? Stay positive! This idea was in my head at the age of 14-20 years old. “Be positive in any situation”– this was my motto. Even when I felt myself uncomfortable or hurt, I resisted that feeling. I did so, mostly for the reason that I considered people, who were constantly complaining of their lives, unpleasant and not interesting to others. I aimed for people to like me and to be willing to communicate with me. However, I had only a couple of female friends. Frankly speaking, all the others were just drinking companions. No booze — no reason for communication. Or, no cigarettes – no reason for meeting.
I started losing myself.
The greatest problem with that “jolly girl” was that she settled in me and I started losing myself. Very often, when my boyfriend asked me about my feelings, I could not give an answer, as I was not able to define my own feelings. It manifested not only in my mood swings, but also in choosing clothes, movies, professions, etc. I remember that I could not even choose my favorite color.
I felt that something was wrong with me, but I could not understand, where and how I could find the way out. It happened so, that my husband and I were from different cities. The first two years of our relationships we talked by the phone every day. But this distance was like a blessing for us. During this time, I had plenty of talks. My husband always asked me about my feelings and I learned to concentrate on my personal emotions. Thus, I started realizing the depth of the relationships that had been unknown to me before. I believe that the depth of the relationships is in the ability of analyzing our own feelings.
