The Kidney Stone of the Soul

My dad is a solid rock of a man.

I have never seen him beat by anything - except a little stone:

Apparently the pain of one of these things is worse that child birth. I saw my dad in the hospital doubled over and grey. And what sounds like the worst part is that no matter how you position your body, you get no relief.

The 'Kidney Stone' of the Soul

This reminds me of Anxiety and Depression, which I have suffered with my whole life. A major depressive episode or anxiety attack is like that. The fear or sadness is so intense sometimes you don't know what to do with yourself. And nothing you do seems to bring relief. It's the Kidney Stone of the Soul! My artist friend Angela Izzo (https://www.facebook.com/AngelaIzzoArtist/?fref=ts) says for her it feels like drowning.

When you are in the middle of this thing, you can stop caring about life. You just want to feel better. I lost all interest in the things that gave me joy - even eating. Some people lose all hope of feeling better. Depression can mess your with your mind like that. People say suicide is a selfish thing - and in some ways it is - but you can come to a place where you feel like such a burden to others that you actually believe they would be better off without you. What depressed people need more than anything is hope - to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting Help

I went to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me and prescribed medication (http://www.webmd.com/depression/ssris-myths-and-facts-about-antidepressants). I did not want to take meds because I felt it was dangerous and scary to be on this powerful medication. But at that point I would try anything. The doctor said it would take about 3 weeks to work. 3 weeks when you are in a major depressive episode sounds like 3 years. It actually took about 3 months as I had to to try different brands to find the one that worked for me. But when they did work it was like the sun burst open on my dark night of the soul. Not all at once - a good day here, a bad one, a couple good ones, then a bad one - but eventually all good ones. I just felt like myself again - not high or weird - just normal.

Don't give up

That was about 2 years ago now and I am doing well. I have hope for the future and am not up at night worrying and panicking about crazy stuff that would probably never happen.

What I want to say to anyone who has got that kidney stone of the soul working it's way through you and you feel like there is no hope : don't give up. Depression and anxiety lie. There is great hope and a future for you! Get help, take your meds, go to that support group, tell a friend. You are not alone and you can make it through this.

My first solo exhibition was about my struggle with depression and anxiety. It was called Man vs Monster. Here's some of the work:

‘Epic’