Excerpt: We all have been there. Our spouse acts in ways that we don't like and we want to change them. Well, forget about it; The only person you can change is you. This is not a dead end situation though because you always have the option to quit and leave. There are implications for each decision and I am discussing them here in answering to the lady's question.
Credit: dailymail
Hi,
I have been married for ten years and our relationship is not well. We argue about many things stemming from one main issue and that is his overweight.
We have discussed it many times and although he has promised to diet he has never managed to go through with it and lose weight. Obviously, his problem affects all aspects of life, starting with raising the kids and ending in the bedroom.
Last Saturday he complained that we have a poor sex life, which we do, and that I am not attracted to him, which I am not. After two hours of talking we decided to take a break for a month to think things over. He was hurt but agreed. Yesterday after he had left home he called me in the evening. I explained to him about the health hazard and told him that I would be willing to do anything and to invest any effort necessary to solve his problem. In return, I said, I would want him to promise to try to lose weight.
He refused. He said that he wasn’t willing to promise anything, that this is the man he is and that he would not be ready to contribute anything to the effort.
Now I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I love him very much. On the other hand, it’s very difficult for me with his overweight. I have no doubt that if I accept him back now, the same feelings will soon come back even stronger.
What should I do?
Doreen
Doreen,
Basically, there are two alternatives for you to choose from; let’s examine them now.
First, you can leave him. Indeed, you deserve to take care of yourself, to have a healthy relationship and a cooperative spouse. There is no doubt about that and if you leave him you may find a new partner without any weight problems. However, he might have other issues, not necessarily regarding his health, and you might again have to face a severe situation and an uncooperative spouse.
The second option would be to remain with your husband, to fully accept him as he is now.
Many people, out of sheer love for their spouses, think (in error) that they can change them. That they can help them look better, think more wisely and become much more loveable people. This will never happen, however, because the only person that any human being can change is himself. Then, with that change in themselves, they lay down a comfort platform for their spouses to go through a similar change.
You create your own reality for specific reasons to help your spiritual growth. Therefore, ask yourself why you have created a situation in which you needed to fight your loved one for things that are obviously for his own good. How this situation serves you?! Here are some hints:
Your husband has a low self-image. Apparently, since he was a child he has suffered from overweight that has got worse over the years. He observes his reality closely and realizes that nobody loves him, not even his dear wife that vowed to love him for better or for worse. This realization leads him to blame himself which only aggravates the way he mistreats himself. As a counteraction, he rebels against you. He wants to be loved and with what is left of his self-respect he defies you - “love me as I am or don’t love me at all”. Then he waits for your reaction to see if his strategy wins back your love. Both of you know that even if it did, the love that you give him could not be deep and intimate since it was achieved through emotional blackmail. Nevertheless, in his current miserable situation, your husband would be willing to receive any type of love, to whatever extent and in whatever form.
What can you do?
If you decide to remain with him understand that the lesson here is yours. You are learning now, unfortunately the hard way, to unconditionally love and give love. Your husband reflects an aspect of you that finally had the courage to come out to seek recognition and attention. So far you have only rejected that aspect, prevented your love, scolded it for its ugliness and demanded that it changes. Aspects of us, however, are like children who can grow, learn and be altered only in a loving environment.
Practically then, call your husband and apologize for your emotional betrayal. Explain to him that you love him very much, that it was only your love for him that led you to push him to change and that you understand that he will change only if he chooses it for himself. It won’t be easy at first, for you will need to express your love in difficult situations. You will need to find the right balance between unconditionally loving him and not compromising on what you deserve. You both need to heal your relationship, to build trust, mutual sharing, understanding and acceptance. Although it doesn’t need to take a long time, it is only when the platform is ready that your husband will be urged from inside to change!
Another practical measure you can take is using your mental visualization powers. In your mind, in your inner vision, see your husband healthy and balanced. See him getting helathier each day. Hold this new image of him firmly in your mind for as long as you can. Do it with no agenda and with genuine belief that this situation can indeed become a reality. Your expectation of him will be telepphaticaly conveyed to him, he will be encouraged and change will happen. It's like with children. If we believe in them, convey to them the message that they can succedd, they can overcome obstacles at school, then they will! Conversely, a child that is being told you are stupid; nothing will come out of you; faces great difficulties to get out of such a scenario.
I want to stress that between the two options there is no right or wrong! If you decide to go your own way and leave the relationship make sure you do it without guilt or shame and from a perspective of "I deserve". On the other hand, if you decide to stay don't do it with a condition "I will see how it goes and then reevaluate". Do it with commitment!
Good luck!