The mind is a burden
Reality is an enables her...
Today I realised that one of my minor goals might stall due to an error I was aware of but failed to correct. Now it seems my plans to leave this hell hole next year won't be as easy as I projected and might even prolong my stay.
I spent the entire day feeling trapped. Feels like we are back to the drawing board again and it numbs me. This just feels like a sick cosmic game I don't want to be part of anymore. I am like Job of the Bible his lowest point, seeking meaning. I would like to put the pieces of my life together to see where to lead.
What's the whole point of this experience...
I know I am not demanding too much from life, I do not enjoy it even, and that seems like a horrible thing to say but I honestly do. I can give for some peace. This constant battle in my mind just feels pointless.
I think God knows I don't care so much about myself so he gave me people to care about. Left to me I probably would be a bum in the street because I don't care about the cares of this enough. It is not enough to motivate.
When I watch or listen to serial entrepreneurs I seek to envy their drive and the meaning they derive from having things or being things. I just want peace of mind. I wonder if I don't smoke or drink because people like me easily fall for those kinds of vices.
What amazes me most times is how I can pull myself from a dark place without help. It is crazy because when I do look around there is no one to be vulnerable with (well, I have blogs and thoughts). I understand this is the reality for most men across the world hence the high male suicide and death rate.
Sometimes I laugh at myself. The pressure on my life and the people looking up to me for direction and leadership while within I am clueless and in some cases scared because I don't even know how or where or when things will turn out. I am as clueless as everyone else.
I want to look back 30-40 years from now and conclude that this journey was worth it. I am grateful for the experience and the love I felt, but if I had the choice I would never have started it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful to my creator. I am nothing in the grand scheme of things and he knows better. But at this very moment, this is how I feel and fortunately, feelings are fleeting. Cheers!