I want to be selfish, with my time, energy and resources. It seems many people forget with ease your act of kindness and also want to measure it up to their notion of benevolence. It seems many people feel so entitled to your help that they wish you bad when they do not get it. Even when they do, it's never enough. They want more. More of what they've never earned, and personally, I find this very disgusting. How can one hold a grudge against another for what doesn't belong to him/her?
Jealousy is a such a disgusting emotion. It has no merit. Even pain has its uses--it drives us away from danger. However, jealousy on the other hand does not such thing or anything tangible for that matter. It only feeds on your soul until it craves for another.
I've vowed within myself never to ask for help from anyone who might use that as a chance to spite me, I rather roll and eat in the dirt. In fact, I would rather seek the help of strangers than take my burdens to a friend or relative, most time, because it's far more better to be turned down by a person you do not know than be taunted by the people you know, people who deem you undeserving of their help so they can pity you. I do not want to be pitied; I do not need a help that is condescending, I rather die.
In my local vernacular there is a saying that:
The worst thing in life na see finish.
See finish meaning taken for granted by someone who knows you completely. You have no secret, no pride, you're been reduced to nothing. And you wonder why many choose to die in silence. Rather than let people know they're dying, some people would opt for death instead so no one rubs their shame in their face, or remind them of the past where did not do or say enough.
I've never felt entitled to anything in this world. The few times I have tried I am always quick to pull myself out of such thoughts by reminding myself that no one owes me anything. As much as that might sound painful, it is nothing short of the truth. Life owes me nothing. I can decide to be the most amazing human being to ever walk the surface of this planet and still die a worthless death; I can decide to be the most amazing husband/boyfriend and still get cheated on; I can decide to give my very best and still come up short. And sometimes I wish I afforded myself the same luxury--the luxury of not having to owe anyone anything.
This is one of the safest truth in this life and painful to accept, but it's the easiest way to come to terms with disappointments and the flaws of life.
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