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How many times did you go through an argument or a heated discussion and then you got upset by something the other person said?
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Ok, now think about this: How many times did you say something that hurt someone else and you totally didn't mean to hurt that person at all?
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I think you and I have been through quite a few of those situations. I was recently having a discussion about this issue with someone I know. She has a different stand from mine. She says, it's very important to know what one's intention are before you get upset at them because of something they said that hurt you. I have a different stand. I say, it doesn't matter what your intention is, if you said something that hurts someone else, you've hurt them, regardless of your intention. Even if you did mean well, even if you were just kidding, even if you really cared about that person, your words did hurt them and that's a fact.
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Which position do you stand by? Mine or hers? Think about what you think and how you feel for a moment. Recall past situations you might have gone through when you were either hurt by someone's words or when your words hurt someone. What do you think now? Do you say words matter regardless of the intention behind them or do you say intentions make a good excuse and should be considered in hurtful situations?
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Before you make up your mind, let me ask you this: If you went to a coffee shop and the waiter spilled coffee on your shirt. Hot coffee. Would you feel the heat of the coffee burning your skin and see the coffee stain on your clothes or will you ask the waiter first if he meant to hurt you or not?
See, here I'm not asking about your reaction to the waiter's negligence. I'm not asking whether you'll get angry at him/her or forgive him/her. I'm asking whether your skin will feel the heat of coffee and whether your clothes will be stained or not.
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Definitely your skin will be hurt by the hot coffee and your shirt clothes be stained. This is a natural effect to the spilling of hot coffee on you regardless of what is going on in the waiter's mind or his intentions. How you deal with the situation after that is an entirely different story.
That's why I argue that every word we say has an effect on the listener, regardless of what good or positive intentions lye behind it. If we say something which is perceived by the other person as an insult, they will take it as an insult. It will hurt them. Now, they might be wise enough not to bark at you. They might be kind, patient, understanding or just stay silent. But their reaction doesn't change the fact that they have been hurt.
Regardless of the reaction they have, they already felt the heat of the coffee and saw the stain. They got hurt by what you said. You might have not meant to hurt them. You might have been joking or trying to just rambling or just not thinking about what you're saying...But you spilled the coffee regardless of your intention and you need to apologize for that right away and watch out not to spill it again in the future by being more careful with everything you say, even when you're joking or just rambling.
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That's how I see we can avoid a lot of unneeded arguments, quarrels and even hard feelings.