I have never felt a fatherly love, because i grew up without one!
I was just a toddler, father died two days to my birthday. So mourning clouded my birthday celebration and deprived me of having a birthday party, have never celebrated one ever in 3 decades and 25th is another one which always brings back memories.
My mom had always been my father; so the motherly love combined with fatherhood was unmeasurable. Even in my early Adulthood before she passed on too, we fight and might not talk on the phone for weeks. But deep inside me i miss her and she sure misses me because you could tell the day i decide to call her and say hi.
Though we all have some sad moment in life, but some had multiple moments of sadness than others. Truth is, it is an unbalance universe- some take more good while others require just a tiny bit of it; and others takes all the evil and bad all the days of their lives.
I have searched for motherly love in ladies, had some failed relationships which i have been accused of being too emotional. Become addicted to alcohol after my moms burial, but never find peace in any of this. Nothing could replace the tenderness of a mother talking to her child on the phone or face to face.
I am that steemian with a trauma, a good sleep devoid of night mares about death is like a gift; the days i get a dreamless death sleep are so limited. Not that i am sufferring from insomania but sleep always bring back evil memories, i was asleep when my dear momma passed away in her room the night i decided to pay her a visit.
HOW IT HAPPENED
Like all last born, i was very attached to my mom. Like i said earlier we had fights, i had gone seven months without talking to her over an argument we had. Here i am today, waiting for eternity before i could say "hello mama" again.
I had mentioned this in the past, some might be wondering why she didn't bother contacting me for seven months; then, i destroyed my mobile phone so she couldn't reach me for those agonizing months for her and i- do not judge me, i was a juvenile getting into Adulthood so i tend to make some irrational decisions.
2013 May, was when she departed from us to the great beyond. That particular year, i had not seen her since January after the Christmas Holidays and i had been procrastinating to go visit her since the beginning of the year till May 23rd when i finally made up my mind. It might come as a shock as it was to me that she died overnight that day i got to her place; like she had been waiting for one of her sons to show up before departing in her sleep without any illness.
Till now, i have been suffering like this since that sad year. Guilt is my number one enemy; my siblings i couldn't disclose to, what if she had called my name in the middle of the night before her breath was taken from her? What if my name was the last thing she altered before death took her away from us?
I could tell no one, friends and families were calling me lucky to have seen her and talk to her the last, but they have no idea the pains inside of me; the guilt wrecking me from the inside four years onward. I once wrote to an online psychiatrist who advised that i relocate from the Country to lessen this burden off my shoulder, she said a change of Climate might heal me of those pains- but how could i afford that when my Mother's benefit is still been held by the Government of my country?
As many who had read few of my post where i eulogized my dear mother, i have stated what she does for a living- she was a headteacher of an Elementary school, a fine English and Religious Knowledge teacher; one of the finest i have known for she Homed schooled me at some point when she couldn't afford me extra-lessons. She majored in English and Religious Studies, and permit me to say i was one of the best students back in my elementary education days.
So on the 23rd of that evil may, as early as 7:50am i woke up and noticed the stillness in the Flat. It was the last floor of a three story-apartment. I got out of bed and went to the living room which leads to the exit door, i noticed the door was still bolted; then i hurriedly tip-toed to her room.
It was from her posture on her bed i realized something terrible had happened to her, i went close to rouse her up- but she was stone cold and stiff- long gone!
This was my entire joy that had been taken before my very eyes Steemians; i sat in bed with her body not knowing what to do as i was completely mad at that moment. Then her phone starts to ring which brought me back to my senses after about 15mins. I picked up the call and it was my Brother's soon to be mother-in-law on the phone calling to pass some information to my mom- The now late woman i am sitting with her corpse on her bed!
Without letting her speak, i shouted into the Phone; "Ma, my mom is not waking up!"
She recognized my voice instantly an shouted back at me; "Shut up, what are you talking about?" When did you come back? and many more questions. Then she told me to call no one and she got to the flat few minutes later.
I could feel the pains in her voice now, they were both widows counting down to the Wedding of their kids- My brother, the father of Sam my Godson and her Daughter; the Mother of my Nephew!
Then it dawned on me i had become an orphan, it had been a rough and sad year since my dad's passing in October 23rd 1988; fast forward to 25 years later, The widow-My two-in-one: Mother and Father combined who i had vowed to take around the world with me went on to meet her dear husband without announcing, without preparations. My life became a sorrow and a good sleep became a terror without having fears of loosing someone again.
At this point i need help. I can not sleep with someone on the same bed or the same room, same apartment without waking up several times in the night with the fear of them dying before my eyes. This is my plight- my pains- my trauma Steemians, i need some help!
