One of the first days when I got to the ashram ( a spiritual hermitage if you are questioning š ) I questioned myself why, why am I here.
Thoughts running through my head: Itās nowhere near as great as the ashram in India, itās cold, Iāve invested so much money to come here and time to prepare and now Iām sleeping on the floor in meditation hall with hundreds of others.
Why couldnāt I just gone to some retreat in Mexico where I could sip superfood smoothies at an infinity pool and do yoga in fancy yoga leggings. But no, I chose a place where itās cold, I have to literally wear 4 jumpers all the time and they all have to be white. Coming from Panama I didnāt realize how cold the ācoldā can be. So many doubts. So many questions. So many why am I here. Why not somewhere else. Itās not like I donāt know how to meditate, eh?!
And so I watched all these thoughts coming in and leaving my headspace, in and out, like recycling a big pile of garbage. And I just sat there. Just reminded myself to be. At one point, I think after a day or two in silence I realized itās about destroying, about getting rid of the stuff not getting more into my garbage pile.
How can I ever have more space to observe whatās going on through my mind if I keep adding? If I keep adding new experiences, places, people, things. This wasnāt about adding, this was about cleaning the space. Destroying those compulsions that Iāve been running after. Destroying the want to be somewhere new all the time. Destroying the need to take another picture and post it. Peeling layers to get to the soul/source/myself, call it how you want it, but you know what Iām talking about.
When itās just you and you, when thereās no one who observes you how much do you really need? Do you need your hair to be blonde and shiny? Do you need those new shoes and that super vegan fruit bowl in the newest brunch place in the town? No, you can sit in 4 layers of ugly jumpers, hurting knees and embrace how you have fooled yourself around.
So yes, shedding. Those layers. And donāt get me wrong, I love yoga leggings and healthy food and all that crazy unicorn lifestyle but I know itās not the source and it can become an entanglement if we get too carried away in it. Watch yourself.