Yesterday, I saw a man cry. At the close of work, I was walking down the hallway around 7 pm yesterday when I heard the sound of someone sniffling from the canteen area. Since not many people were around at this time I couldn't help but wonder who it was.
Out of sheer curiosity, I walked towards the direction of the sound where I saw a coworker crying.....let’s call him Mayowa. Immediately he saw me, he wiped the tears off his face and couldn’t help but look embarrassed and I completely understood.
(Keyword: grown man, father of two adorable children).
I went to him, and from the little eye contact we had, I could see and feel the pain from therein. He seemed so broken and tired with his eyes swollen and red from all the crying he must have done. Almost as a default setting, he started to apologize for making so much noise as he didn’t realize he was not alone.
In response, I slowly parted him on the back not saying anything but showing through my actions that it was okay. His only words for a while after that were “Efe, I am tired, I’m just so tired”. He broke down again and it broke my heart. I stayed there with him till he literally chased me home and I was convinced that he was somewhat better.
Where I come from, toxic masculinity is the order of the day, and men are termed weak or womanly if they so much as cry or dare to be vulnerable-so they bottle it all up (as per odeshi, iron body man no dey cry).
They go through so much and that’s why the number of stories we hear of men snapping at what seems to be the littlest of things seems to be on the rise. I do not justify the aftermath of such actions but it’s inevitable to not break under compounded pressure.
There have been unfortunate cases of suicide where victims suffered unnecessarily because that’s what society expects. You keep your problems to yourself and find ways to cope....all this for fear of being judged or worse fear of not being considered manly enough.
Men can’t ask for help because society has conditioned them to suffer alone and in silence.
No offense but I think the ‘Real men don’t cry’ talk is bullcrap propagated by a bunch of individuals who get off on projecting their insecurities onto others, all as a means to feel better about themselves.
Subsequently, because this is what our fathers, brothers, husbands, and even ladies are taught, we believe that men have to be the strong ones, the unemotional pillars.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine ended a relationship with a girl he loved so much for reasons I can’t begin to divulge and it affected him, to say the least. He lost weight, lost his appetite, and refused to step out of his house. He was sad.
He opened up to some of our mutual friends (male and female) and the responses he got were the usual;
'man up, ‘Is it because of an ordinary babe that you’re crying?’, ‘quit behaving like a girl, ‘guy, you no dey shame?’*.
I cannot say this enough, crying has never been a sign of weakness. For me, I feel a lot of relief after crying. I get clarity and I am able to deal with whatever makes me cry better.
Naturally, my friends; male and female, come to me when they are at their lowest because I would never judge them. I would never make light or make a mockery of whatever a person is going through and so should you.
I tell my male friends it is okay to cry and, if they don't feel comfortable crying in the presence of anyone, they can do it alone. However, if they would rather have me around, I'll race there at the speed of light just so my shoulders are the ones they lean on.
Dear men, your feelings are valid. Your pain is valid. You’re not made of stones or rocks or metal but flesh and blood. You’re only human after all.