"Am I going mad? How did I end up here?"
Up until 3 years ago, I was wasting my life, literally. I was working as an Equities & Derivatives trader for an Austrian investment bank in Vienna. 'Prop trading', 'market-making',... all those fancy words that now don't make any sense anymore and seem to stem from a different life. A different person.
A life of +60hrs/week, sitting in front of 6-8 computer screens, clicking buttons, looking at flashing green and red numbers, waiting for beeping noises that would indicate some action in the market, not being allowed to leave the desk other than for a short coffee- or the random bathroom break. Damn it, they even served lunch to my table. Not because to do me a luxurious favour but because I was expected to be a profit-gaining robot who cut himself off from being human.
And it was ok for me, somehow... for some time. Why? I have absolutely no idea. My colleagues never liked me at all and I didn't even make a decent amount of money. Being considered as a "Junior" most of the time might have been a reason, cost-cutting due to the Austrian stock market as well as its banking sector not exactly performing great, another. Ok, now I'm pretending. Most likely I simply wasn't "good enough" for that job.
How do I know? Spring of 2013 came. As if I even needed that defining moment to realize I was way beyond my limit. In the middle of the day, life suddenly smacked me in the face, ruthlessly yelling.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID BITCH!".
Our female assistant was screamed at, verbally attacked, insulted and called the worst names possible for minutes by a trader for some minor inattention of her. And everybody was sitting there, watching and smiling, while she ran to the bathroom, devastated, crying.
The only comment of the Managing Director, our "Head of Trading" who witnessed that scene like everybody else on the floor?
"If she can't deal with that, she's in the wrong business"
"WTF did he just say?" I couldn't believe my ears. And at the same time I felt ashamed I didn't stand up for her. Sure, I could have argued it wasn't my job to do that. And yes, it was the responsibility of the Director to intervene, to show leadership skills and, for fucks sake, to tell that bastard to shut up. Yeah, very valid points, but no excuse in the end. To be honest, I was simply afraid, speechless, helpless. A different person, as I said before.
Two months later I was escorted outside the building, carrying my few belongings in a cardboard box. I don't know about our assistant, but I definitively was in the wrong business.
Now?
I moved to the small city of Graz and am barely making a living. I'm following my hobby of occasionally doing hypnosis sessions for friends in need, a field of interest of mine for 9 years now I never found the time for.
I'm writing, mostly in German language. Sometimes for a blog of two friends about Polyamory (Feigenblatt.net), sometimes for a small independent, self-published magazine called VISIONARIUM. I talk about myself, about depression and breakdowns, relationship issues, love and philosophy. The ups and downs of life, and all the things that come to my mind. I interview crazy people about their crazy experiences and I want to inspire, to think about life and its endless possibilities. As cheesy as it sounds, I want to take my role in making the world a better place, to help bring the best in humanity forward.
I met an amazing woman, getting in contact with Polyamory, taking the challenge, jumping in and freeing myself from old constructs and mindsets of jealousy and limitations, now having the deepest relationships with stunning partners and the most wonderful friends one can ever imagine.
What else is there to say about me? Some might think I'm a libertarian, or maybe an anarchist. Honestly, I don't give a shit about politics anymore other than expressing my radical self. Never again will I bow down and betray my heart. And for the first time ever I feel happy, alive! So:
Hi!
My name is Rudolf, I'm living in paradise and they call ME crazy.