Last night I had written on the topic depression, and although I admitted that there had been times when I pretended to be depressed or thought I was depressed when in reality it was nothing but mere moodswings, I really don't think it was all pretense or moodswings all the time. Yes, I know I said that I really don't know if I've ever been depressed but you see, I've been going through some things mentally of recent, things that I would like to put a name to if it's not depression.
I remember writing about how most times I get this feeling to go away, get off social media, turn off my phone and just disappear for a bit, go live with strangers who don't know me and probably would never see me again after I leave them. And then just the other day, around some time past 11pm, I had gone into my friend's room, trying to explain to him about how I no longer see the need to talk to people.
"I just want to stay on my own, indoors and minding my business" were the exact words I had used that night. And now that I think about it, it's actually crazy because I stay alone and I'm mostly on my own most of the time, indoors and minding my business and yet it still feels like I need to do more.
What's even more scary to me isn't that feeling this way makes me sad all the time but the fact that I enjoy being sad, I enjoy feeling like shit, almost like Ive made my peace with it and now I'm comfortable sitting in this dark corner. Feeling this way might not be caused by depression but I'm definitely sure something is wrong with me because with each day that passes, I see myself getting sucked in more into the darkness.
Sadly, no matter how much I try to explain how I feel, I never really get the right words to describe it, other than I'm living a sad life, a sad life that I feel will probably get worse if I end up following my heart and just move far away from everyone I know. So tell me people, is this some early signs of depression or something else or is this just me being bored of my boring life because I'm always doing the same thing every day, over and over again?
If I'm being honest, I feel I need to see a psychologist or something because if I remember correctly, all of this shitty feeling started after some negative life changing event happened in my life four years ago, and I just feel all of this is just the after effect of not letting myself cry and heal when that stuff happened. So now all of that sadness has ganged up and turned into something mysterious in me, something I just can't place my fingers on, and now, instead of seeking for help, my brain is telling me that running away from everything and everyone would be the perfect solution I might need.
Stupid brain.