It's been a while since I wrote about myself, my health, and everything. I didn't find anything important and informative to write about because my days seem always the same. There is nothing creative or interesting that is worthy of sharing. I have been writing travel posts lately because behind the curtain, a lot of things are ongoing and I thought it would be a good idea to write about memorable locations instead of sharing my same old mental health problem. I have been in intense therapies lately including EMDR. There was a time when I felt like my body and mind were completely crushed and shattered due to the pressure and stress. Also, I have been suffering some neurological and muscle stiffness issues which were causing an intense headache. My MRI report was okay and there was nothing wrong with the brain so the headache was caused by muscle stiffness and migraine.
Spring arrived already but I was not able to travel or visit anywhere far due to appointments and health problems. Besides, last year I traveled a lot so I am taking time to regain my energy and to become healthy so that I can travel again maybe this summer.
Even though I have been going through a lot mentally, I didn't lose my hope and faith in getting better and the recovery process. Sometimes I feel bad seeing others working and having a regular life where I deal with daily chores and my appointments. But inside my mind, I always tell myself that it might not be a good time now but soon I will see bright days. Repeating and reminding myself of positive words feels so difficult, sometimes I can't accept those words but it helps. And that's why so far I have learned how to control myself and how to accept the present, not the past. My trauma coach always gives an explanation for my questions and that helps to educate and understand myself. When I had a severe mental breakdown, I was so confused and in a vulnerable position that I didn't know what was going on. Now at least I know my problems even though I don't have all the proper solutions.
How I have come so far and got a little bit better from such psychological issues? The short answer is tons of medications and therapies. I was very open to my therapies and still, I am no matter how much guilt, and shame I carry. First I learned to trust them and trust me, that's one of the hard parts. Depression is a killer and it eats an individual every moment, every single day. I don't know how I have come this far, almost 1.4 years of therapy and medications but I did it. I still have a few issues, a few detailed traumas, and dark thoughts and illusions but I have help. I actually ask for help always before doing anything wrong. I am still weak, walking on the edge of the mountains but at least I know where I am and where I need to go.
Anyway, I am going to write an interesting part of my EMDR. My EMDR therapist always takes the necessary steps to keep me calm and controlled because due to my mental issue, there is a chance I stuck in the past forever. So, during the last session, while doing EMDR, she suddenly asked me who is my favorite singer. I was in deep memory lane so all of a sudden when I heard what she was asking, I was surprised. I asked her why she did that, and she smiled and said I wanted to bring you back to reality. Another time, she suddenly played my favourite singer's music but I didn't recognize first due to my thoughts. I find it funny knowing that this was part of my treatment. I love music and she felt that music might be one of the ways to break my thoughts and bring me back to reality completely. It's like breaking an old chain...
Nights are long, intrusive, and imaginary thoughts often arrive, my anxiety, emotions, and depression become intense and my surroundings become dark and take me to the past but I endure rather than be scared. I wait for the morning, for the light, I pass nightmares and fail to convert them into something pleasant yet I am fighting for recovery. Because all these whispers that are in my head will be silent one day, yes one day...
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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