It's been a while since I posted my last post. I have been going through a lot lately and was trying to adjust to the new medications and treatment sessions. I was kind of lost within my treatment and recovery process and lost the inspiration and energy to write something. Besides, it's kind of boring to write the same thing over and over again. It was kinda difficult for me to adjust to my psychologist, it was uncomfortable to talk to her at the beginning and also it took me some time to open up myself in front of her. Fun fact is every time she gives me tasks or different things to do but most often I ended up doing nothing. Currently, I am taking a lot of medicines prescribed by my psychiatrist and sometimes I feel less energetic because of the effects of taking so many medicines every day. Despite my low level of energy, I am feeling much better than before.
Currently, I spend a lot of time walking with my dog. She has so much energy now and needs a good walk, but no matter how many times I walk with her, it's never enough for her. But we try to enjoy each other's company. I also go out outside to buy a coffee and sit outside sometimes if the weather is good. I started liking my lonely time and instead of pushing myself to do socializing, I am currently focusing on my own time to think. After a long discussion with my psychiatrist, we came to a phase where we both realized that right now I need rest, calmness, and relaxation. Loud music/ sounds, people, a crowd, and a busy atmosphere give me stress. I started doing activities slowly. Sometimes I feel like a baby who is learning how to walk; step by step.
Sometimes the activities I do seems very small and normal to me, even I forget to consider them but when I talk about them with the psychologist, I realize that they are not tiny, they show that I am recovering and coming back to normal life. I cannot do so many activities in a day, I feel tired so easily and often feel sleepy if I do something heavy. I cannot work, I need time to get back to work. Sometimes jobless life demotivates me but then I think that when I will be better, I will find a new job. After every session, I ask my doctors whether I am gonna be better or not, and every time they told me that you should celebrate each and every day of life because day-to-day step by step you are getting better.
Last week, I also went somewhere, I explored a beautiful city in the Netherlands and I had a good time there. I will write about the city soon when I will finish editing all of the photos. I also took some nice photos, walked a lot, and went to a nice restaurant near a beautiful church. I am very proud of my progress and finally, I started getting back to my life again.
I know many people don't care about mental health even don't understand the struggle. I remember when I tried to talk to one of my friends about my health, he never understood. Initially, I used to blame myself for my mental breakdown but now I realize everything happens for a reason. I still feel bad when I see people talk to each other, and go to parties which I cannot but that feeling goes away after a while. My thoughts are still there but they are not intense like they used to be. My obsessive thoughts cannot break me. Negative thoughts sometimes distract me but I am learning to manage them. 2 months ago I was completely shattered and obsessed with suicidal thoughts but now I feel there is a chance that I will be better, and I will recover.
I keep forgetting things, especially the numbers, and appointments. I cannot remember the names. I feel bad sometimes thinking about my condition. The saddest part is my dad never understood me or my mental health. He thinks I am crazy and acting and making up everything by myself...
Talking helps a lot, I feel relieved when I open up in front of my doctors. I lost trust in people, some people betrayed me and never respected my confidentiality. Getting back that trust is not so easy and I don't know whether I will be able to trust anyone in life again.
My current fear is when I have to stop my medicines, what's gonna happen? Because without medications, I don't feel good at all and I panic. I still don't like talking to people, I love to stay isolated. Still, so much going on with me, still I have depression but somehow I have hope that one day I will recover fully and will become a strong person once again...
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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