The first thing I learnt about writing was that telling the truth makes it flow easy and steady. So, I'm freeing my thoughts and letting it fly and breathe in my freedom
Few months after I got married, I felt like a liability. I know my husband wouldn't take it as it is, but that's the truth. I have this dream of building a dynasty, running successful businesses and being a career woman that built her fame and supports her husband.
I hated being unable to help or assist. I hated feeling useless. But.....I have something doing. I work at a radio station as an OAP in which financially I felt wasn't half good enough. Also, I'm a fashion designer which the love of making my dresses drive my passion for that. So, I felt I needed to do more, and I hated that I was placed with very little. Which I just realized it's a training to a better achievement.
When I joined Hive, I said this was going to be my open diary. In case, if you are reading this. I have thought of keeping up with a physical handy diary but I realized I had to share my thoughts.
The first challenge I had as a married woman with a demanding career was BALANCE. Creating a BALANCE with WORK, SCHOOL, CHURCH AND HOME....is something I was having a hard time with. I tried making a to-do list, which I felt will help, but sometimes or should I say most times I don't get it done. I struggled with the balance so badly and I kept blaming myself. Then, one day, I realized and learnt that the BALANCE of MARRIAGE and CAREER is a process you learn, I was putting too much pressure on myself, and for the record, there's no manuscript during your pre-wedding counseling in guiding you through this.
In my journey of attaining balance, I realized it's okay to have an unbalanced day as long as you keep working to balance it but the BALANCE OF MARRIAGE is necessary. I also learnt that to some extent, it might take months or even years to find that balance...you just don't have to give up.
What I do is to make a to-do list and bear in mind that my husband's needs are attended firstly, then my work, and any other needs. Yes, I may sound like I'm cheating myself, but I like to think my husband's happiness is my happiness too.
But with my thoughts clearing out I'd like to honestly ask myself...
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
Asides from watching movies on NETFLIX just to avoid the thoughts of lurking for attention I think what makes me happy is uhmm....... At this point, I have to pause to access what really makes me happy, and the only thing coming to my mind is ice cream.
I love a plate of vanilla ice cream...or a surprise plate of ice cream when I don't ask for it... It really brings out that spark in my eyes and you could see and feel that honest joy in me 😊😊😊😊
You know asking myself this question of what really makes me happy...I came to a conclusion that whenever my husband is happy and my home is okay...by that I obviously mean my husband, I AM HAPPY
But if you take that outta the picture, I'm honestly struggling to find out what makes me happy 😊😊
Maybe I'll write it down here so when time flies and I get lost in the rain again, I could come here to revive my way home of what really makes me happy.
I love being treated special 🤩🤩🤩 you know, as a kid I always being the centre of attention at every point in time to my parents. I don't like to share. Sometimes, i'd like to think it is as a result of my parents raising me with lots of attention. I'd like to think you hear me when I speak or cover my nose when I sneeze. And not be grumpy about it so I don't feel I'm stressing you. I think in summary, one of things that makes me happy is seeing someone care about me. You know like showing concern and prolly put yourself first for me.
It might sound demanding or clinging but true care means a whole lot to me but I give it out unconditionally. It makes me feel someone else is watching over me. Maybe because of waking to a reality that no one is....I think another thing that makes me happy is tiny, simple yet thoughtful gifts. It shows you have me in mind, as you were scaling through your day. I love reading interesting novels....things that makes my mind wonder and long to find a solution.
Writing makes me feel satisfied
So thank you hive for making me empty my cup of thought.... although it's half empty
I'll write to you sooner.