I’ve been a Christian my whole life. I grew up in churches, and every Sunday was a day of praise and worship. I remember as a child I had absolutely no doubts, my mom suffered from back pains and I used to give her tight hugs and simply just ask God to heal her. I wouldn’t tell her I was praying, but would always ask if she was feeling better after the hug and she always said yes. Of course she could have just said it because she didn’t want me to worry, but I wish I still had the faith I had back then.
As the years went by I kind of list my way. I still went to church, but I started questioning and doubting. It was wrong of me I know and it is something I still feel guilty about. I never had reason to doubt and yet I did for most of my teen years, and when my mom died it just made me doubt even more. We stopped going to church I stopped reading bible and praying and quickly began to play the blame game. It didn’t make me feel better, or bring her back, but it didn’t stop me from doing it. I began asking God to prove himself and never got an answer. I know now that I just wasn’t listening, but back then I felt betrayed and abandoned. It was not a fun feeling. I was in a dark place and being bullied and told to die at school did not make it any easier for me. In addition to blaming God, I also blamed my mom for leaving me when I needed her most.
It wasn’t until 2012 that a friend practically begged me and my sister to go to their youth group at church. We ended up saying yes and I slowly go closer to God, but still I had my doubts. I enjoyed the youth, but mostly went for friends and not for God. I felt detached and lost so one again I stopped going. I was scared to get close because I didn’t want to let go of the world. Songs that were very clearly not Christian friendly, or TV shows. And when I was 16 I didn’t want stop drinking. Don’t get me wrong here drinking is fine it’s the getting drunk part that I had a tough time letting go of. I was too tied into the world to let go. I wish I wasn’t though.
It wasn’t until late 2012 early September that another friend had started begging us to come to youth again. He told us that they were having an overnight at church and really wanted us to go. We finally gave in and decided to go. And I am so glad I did.
At that time I was dating a terrible guy who just wanted to sleep with me. I was a virgin and it was his goal to take that away from me. He never did though so he got it from other girls, and still I thought I was “in love” with him. I thought he was the best I was ever going to get, and no girl should EVER have t think that. He didn’t want me to go to church because of the guys there that liked me so on this night he was not very happy with me and I spent the first half hour there apologising to him as he just read my messages. I had nothing to be sorry about but he just had that power over me. And then I met the love of my life…
He walked in like he couldn’t care less, acting cool as he came to greet out mutual friends. I didn’t know that my friend had been begging him to come to. After he greeted them he went to sit a few seats back across from us. I suddenly forgot about my phone and constantly sneaked a peak in his direction. I spotted him glancing in my direction to, and even confirmed it with my sister. Of course I giggled like a crazy school girl. I didn’t even know his name or anything about him and suddenly I was planning our wedding (no lie). I have always been so awkward when it came to flirting - and yes I forgot at that moment I had a boyfriend. Sorry – but I quickly found myself flirting with this attractive stranger. When it got past midnight I had stolen his phone and added myself, which is something I have NEVER done. I had spend most of the night not too far away from him, and after an entire night of no sleep we stood outside the church waiting for out rides and brave me just decided to lay against him as we waited. Of course my boyfriend had spies at the church and found out pretty fast.
He was mad and once again I was the bad guy, but we started talking less and less until he completely began to ignore me. On the 30 September 2012 I decided I had enough and called him. I could hear a girl in the background but didn’t really care. I told him I wanted to break up but he pretended not to hear me so after trying several times to call him. I finally just sent him a message saying I’m done. Now September 30th was a Sunday so of course that night I had church. I remember wearing hills that day which is something I never do, but I knew I was going to see him. We always go there early so most people were still chatting outside and my eyes drifted to him immediately I made my way to him very wobbly and off balance and I didn’t wait long to make a joke about being single, being a man he didn’t really get what I was saying of course, but that didn’t not stop me from balancing on him as we made our way in. that night my sister told him how I felt about him and he immediately asked me out. So yes I was single for a few hours before getting in another relationship.
The both of us were still pretty distant from God and pretty much only went to see each other. That did change though. We both changed and in August of 2012 I had my first real taste of God’s power when it hit me like a wave all at once. I don’t really remember much from that night part from braking down during praise and worship and just sobbing uncontrollably I felt numb afterwards and I knew that God was trying to speak to me, but sadly I ignored it. I felt a little closer to God but as I mentioned before I didn’t want to give up my worldly things and honestly I regret that. The feeling slowly faded.
In 2017 we moved to Cape Town and that was where we found the first church where I could truly feel His prescience. I wasn’t even in the church a week and when they asked who wanted to be baptized I knew I was ready on 19 February 2017 I got baptized. Once I left the water I suddenly felt like an entirely new person. It is honestly a feeling that I just don’t know how to explain. And of course once I was baptized the devil has tried to win me back more than once, and I will admit that I am not perfect and I have made some slip ups here and there, but if you tell me you have never sind then I know that you’re lying because no human is free of sin.
This is my testimony, and although I am so much closer to God I still have so much to learn. The difference now is though that I am willing to learn and ready to follow the path that God has set out for me.
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