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I've written a lot about my life- my childhood sexual abuse- my time living on the street- the military and afterwards. Also about how I now take care of my former boss, "The Turnip." It's all becoming a little bit overwhelming... I spend most of the day doing research and writing about a variety of issues- mostly about corruption, child abuse and pedophilia- the worst aspects of human nature. I'm 72 and exhausted. My heart hurts for the children- from researching and learning of their suffering... I suffer with them too. It opens old wounds- many of them suffer worse fates than I did... and it's beginning to take its toll on me.
I've also written about the dreams I have every night and living with the ghosts of people I've killed. I'm afraid to sleep and more afraid of "the zone" that time between sleeping and waking up. Every night I try to say a Rosary and pray for my friends here on Steemit and elsewhere- that God keep them safe and well. I pray for the children of the world being exploited and abused. I pray for my country- that it be healed and cleansed of the madness that grips it. I pray for everything except myself... in the Gospel of St. Matthew (Chap. 6 just before the Lord's Prayer) it says: "and when ye pray don't pray for what ye need for your Father knows what ye need before ye have need of it."
All of my life I've had some strength that pushes me on and enabled me to get through another day- enough strength for myself and others. I try to help everyone I can... I believe that's why God put us on this earth, to help one another. I try hard to help and be patient with The Turnip, but his demands are becoming too much... having lived a life of privilege makes him believe he's superior somehow. He treats me like a servant. God tells me to be humble and to serve my fellow man- but my patience is wearing thin (I want to beat the shit out of him sometimes).
I also try to help people here on Steemit, I give to a few causes. I try to help my family. Now that I'm making a little bit of money I can... particularly my second wife Diane who works hard to help our grandkids. My biggest/only fear is failure. I'm afraid if I stop researching and writing even for a day, I and others will suffer... but I'm an exhausted old man. I live on coffee and pain pills- I live in constant pain. I need to take a few days off, but fear drives me on.
It's strange how the human mind works- I've never been afraid of death, only of failure... failing to have the strength to carry others and the strength to serve my Lord. Sorry to burden you with my troubles, but I had to tell somebody... Thanks for listening and thank you all for your friendship!
