If I were less self conscious, I would consider now to be the time I'm at my best. There's no point looking backward, and we are all beautiful beings. But I'm a woman, and it seems our lot to be unhappy with how we look. I'm not sure if I'm getting more comfortable with my appearance as I age, because I get more invisible and more secure in my inner person versus outward show, or less so because I'm getting visibly middle aged.
At least now I can say I am - you can pretend you are younger online and use filters and other techniques to mask your true age. Ladies, I dare you to say you don't do this - I know you do!
For this post, I'm not going to search my archives for the skinniest me, the youngest me, the most made up me. I'm going to share two pictures of me last week.
Now we KNOW photos lie. I like them because I 'don't look too bad' in them - I didn't scream at Jamie to delete them. I'm happy. I'm in the nature that I love. Granted, ones taken at far enough a distance you can't see my wrinkles. But still. It captures something of my energy. And energy is beauty, right, not physicality? Right?
I've also just climbed a big bloody hill. And I did it. This body did it. This body surfs and gardens and cycles and climbs hills. Slowly, and dammit if I don't ache for days afterwards because I'm not getting younger, but I do it. What is me "at my best' than me, NOW?
The second photo I'm wearing glasses to disguise myself a little, and I'm not hiding in diffused sunlight, so I'm probably looking more my actual age - worse, in my opinion, than semi hidden with glasses! I even don't like this one so much, but still, I'm at my best, here, now.
Yesterday we were helping my parents do gardening - heavy work, as Jamie was chopping down trees and we were dragging the branches to a pile for the tip and I was lifting logs for the back of the van. Dad said 'jeez, look at you - lucky you kept surfing, look how strong you are!'. Of course I was beaming to get a compliment off my old man, because I'm always Daddy's girl, but he was right. When I did a lot of yoga I was flexible but not so strong. When I was younger my exercise was more sporadic. Now I'm older I am doing exercise a lot as preventative medicine - short jogs for cardio, squats for my back, and so on. I'm terrified of losing my fitness as I get older.
I am not fishing here at all. I'm working through my self acceptance. It's a life long journey.
Damn though, if I was ten years younger, I'd be back in bikinis. And if I was twenty five years younger, I'd be freaking gorgeous - this is me in 2000.
What a shame we don't know it at the time.
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Ladies of Hive this week asks us to reflect on the Beautiful Women that we are and to show your pictures where you think you have been at your best. This is not only about clothing but also about what you are doing in your life. You have been engaged in some activity and you may have felt the best in that point of time. Share 3 pictures and if it is a group picture, please do highlight, which one is you.
Yep. That's me. Show me YOU.
Oh, and being as close to death as I am, being 51, I think about it alot. Here's a poem I wrote last week on the topic. When you are undersoil, nothing matters.
Feed my bones to trees
Let me mingle with mycellium
& soiree with bugs
So when I am gone
I will not be alone
With Love,
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