I enjoy tea. I feel the buoying of my mood from the caffeine and a slight tingle in my mind, like my thoughts are filled with potential. The thoughts are still under control, there is just an undertone of energy to them, like the brain is humming with repressed speed that could kick in at any moment. The feeling of impending-ness, as if the next second could see you thrown into a wild frenzy, is invigorating. It may be a small taste of manic.
Caffeine does not affect the thoughts in the same way true anxiety does. Anxiety is different. It does not feel good, but it does carry the feeling of impending-ness. The feeling is interlaced with a nervousness, like the next moment could happen and you won’t be ready for it. Nervous tension can either look forward to what is coming, wanting it to be over as quickly as possible, or fearing what is coming, and doubting your own ability to deal with it. And the anxiety fuels itself: a feedback loop, because you feel compelled to worry, and the more you do it the more you do it. It needs a fast counteragent or a quick distraction to keep from getting caught up in it.
The night is the time when there are fewest distractions, and when your mind is more out of control than usual. You wake up and you are not yet fully aware. But if you are still feeling nervous then that can take hold before you have time to get your wits about you. Then it’s like you woke up during a storm, and you just have to ride it out.
If the mind is given a problem, then it will think of a solution. That is what it is made to do; it's a problem-solving computer. But if the mind has no problem, but is still stuck in problem-solving mode, churning away with nowhere to go, it’s like a car in neutral with the gas pedal being slowly pressed to the floor. If there were a sense of movement then maybe it would feel like something was being accomplished, but it’s just the rising whine of an engine that is overheating. No air is getting in to cool it, no progress is being made for all the energy being expended.
The key is to relax so that you aren’t habitually on edge. It takes practice to become good at something, and being good at worrying is something that nobody want to be good at, but the gravitational nature of worrisome thoughts forces us to orbit around something that is making us worry. And the more you use those worrisome pathways in the brain, the more reinforced they become, making it easier to access them and get stuck.
So break out of orbit. Kick the thrusters on and get into a different obit around something else that can take your attention. Especially something that can channel nervous energy, like exercise. Or requires focus, like reading or writing or meditation. Or is simply a distraction, like watching a movie. Find things that add to your identity without being tied to anxiety. Because that is another dirty trick of anxiety: it makes you believe that it is something that you can never be without. When it's happening it becomes your whole world, and you have a hard time remembering times when it wasn't.
I use exercise for four reasons:
- Performing a difficult task gives me a nice sense of accomplishment afterward. It's a test I have to pass.
- It uses the excess nervous energy that anxiety produces in an idle state.
- It drains my tank, leaving me feeling pleasantly tired.
- It produces euphoriants that counteract all the adrenaline that the body produces in an anxious state.
I run, row, lift weights, and do yoga. I do these things religiously, at least 3 times a week. It helps immensely, having a constant drip of endorphins to keep my mood level. It gives me a body I know I can depend on, and it's nice to have one less thing to worry about. It lets me know that I have done and can do difficult things, which pleases my vanity and makes me feel enjoyably exhausted.
Anything is better than spiraling into deeper worry. Stop yourself worrying about worrying. The future comes whether we worry about it or not. Time runs in one direction and will get here without us, and be here when we need it. Don’t detach from time altogether, but don’t feel like you have to fight it. Don’t fight time, but be in it. Flow. Mountains stand in the way of water and are cut through. Time is even more determined. And determining. You can give up a little control to it and still function. It will carry you to where you need to go.