This year started out like all the others... Big New Year's party at my house, and a few more to follow, most involving music, then there's kids, bills, blah, blah, blah. But this summer has been hell. And I've noticed that it's been rough for quite a few people, not just me or my family.
(Picture credit: pixabay.com)
At first it was just small things... Moving into a new place, normal kid stuff, a few problems with the husband, uncertainty about my future and those I love. My husband and I were having problems with communication and things like that. We were slowly drifting apart and only talked when we had to.
I just couldn't understand how, after only 7 years of marriage (12 years together total), the man I called my best friend was someone I hardly ever talked to or even connected with anymore. But life gets repetitive and we both acknowledged that something needed to be done. The great thing about him is that he never gave up on me and is willing to do whatever it takes to stay with me.
Next was the inevitable, yet untimely death of my father... My father and I were super close. When my parents divorced, my mother was going to give me up for adoption because she said she just couldn't handle me... But my dad being the good person he was, wasn't going to let that happen. So off to Missouri we moved when I was 15. He gave up so much for me and lived in poverty so that I could have somewhat of a normal childhood after the divorce. So losing him was a huge hit to my mental health and capacity...
And unfortunately, as sometimes happens with family deaths, there was also family drama. I finally learned for a fact that I had lost my oldest sister along with my father. No... not from death, but from years of misunderstandings and poor decisions. We had been drifting apart for years, mostly because she was dating my ex who was a huge narcissistic ass and didn't happen to change any at all... But as usually happens with mentally abused people, she just didn't want to listen to any of us. I know it's hard to listen to your little sibling, but not always a bad thing to keep in mind. Especially if others are telling you the same. But what can I do other than sit back and watch her fall into ruin.
(Picture credit: pixabay.com)
I also had to make the hard decision on what to do with my supposed service dog, Aero. I bought him about a year ago from Puppies for Parole to help my family know when I would have seizures. He was supposed to be a dog I could take everywhere. One that would stick by me and watch out for me... Turned out he was just a glorified stray that knew more than 40 tricks but couldn't shit outside or stay focused in public places. I had stopped taking him into public places long ago when it was evident that he couldn't behave around so many people.
He caused more anxiety for me than anything, so it was clear he needed to go back to the shelter. For both our sakes... I was super hopeful that it was going to work, but he just couldn't stay out of trouble, and I'm not keen on cleaning up poop from my service dog every day.
At any rate it's been a chaotic year, and it's not even October yet. But throughout all of this sadness, stress, and hardship I have one thing that keeps me going.
My boys... They have seen me at rock bottom and they have loved me none the less. They always give me love and do the smallest things to show me that life does and will go on. My husband and I are working on us and doing amazing so far. It hasn't been easy but it has been rewarding. If it wasn't for these amazing boys, I would probably be either in a psych ward or drugged up in a gutter somewhere... It's hard to think of it that way, but sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to believe. They are my beautiful light in this cold, dark world.
(Picture credit: pixabay.com)
Even though life has been tough lately, I have the strength to go on thanks to my wonderful family. So I'm trying to get back to a schedule in life, although I know it will never be the same... I'm still waiting for the day I can wake up without crying. But I also know that sometimes bad things happen to prepare you for the good things.
I also want to take time to offer my ear and shoulders if anyone is also having a hard time. I know that I'm very lucky to have family support, but I know some people don't have that. So if I can, I will be here for anyone who needs someone to vent to. I would also like to post suicide prevention information for anyone who may need it. You can always go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org to chat or call 1-800-273-8255 for help. Times can and will be hard but know that there are people who can help.
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