I used to have to buy my way into people’s affections… or so I thought.
Deep down, I did not feel worthy of their attention or love…
Deep down, I thought that the only way they would want anything to do with me, would be that I spent money on them, had lots of money, looked the part of ‘rich’ person…
I remember having almost no cash, living on £5 a week and still putting money aside to send to my brothers back in Nigeria…
Buying them gameboy and videos…
Telling myself that I wanted them never to suffer as much as I had…
But now, with the benefit of hindsight, I realise that I just wanted them to love me best…
I had somehow got to thinking that no one would love me, if I did not have money to give them, to buy them stuff…I did not think I could have a voice…
without money
No one would care what I had to say…
without money
No one would love me
without money
I got myself into incredible debt to maintain all these lies…
I worked myself almost to death trying to make the money to keep it all going…
Trying to buy people’s love by the way I looked, what I wore, what I had, how much money I spent on them…
Even the younger I wanted to influence for good in my local church…
I would spend lots of money getting them to conferences, so that they would learn to live empowered lives…
And yet, behind the scenes, I WAS BROKE! In SO MUCH debt, getting more and more into debt as I did all these altruistic things…
I would tell myself I was acting in faith and that God would provide but…
I was just trying to buy their affection…
And let us not talk about all the other stuff I did to keep my extended family as happy as I could…
It never worked though…
It was a bottomless pit that I could never get to the end of…
I did not see that behind it all, was this desperate need for them to love me, to feel worthy, to feel enough…
I just kept working harder and harder trying to make money that I spent faster and faster, trying to make ‘them’ love me…
And the crazy thing is that they could never love me enough because even if they did show me love, I could not be sure if it was because of the stuff or just because it was me.
And so, I kept going…
Kept digging a deep horrid hole…
The hole kept getting deeper until one day, I broke…
And you know the story — Bankruptcy, 4 year long depression as I felt like a failure above ALL failures.
I wish that was enough to learn the lesson…
BUT NO!
It still took me some time after that to realise what I had been doing…
I almost fell into the same trap again before I realised that the pattern would keep playing out until I did the deep healing work and realised that I was ok, whether I had money or not.
Yes, money is pretty darned cool — You can do all kinds of stuff with money but it would not bring me what I wanted — LOVE and a deep knowledge that ‘I AM ENOUGH’
That deep heart stuff, the stuff that actually keeps you healthy and wealthy, is separate from money.
And I see you…
Using money as a shield…
Not realising that you are telling yourself that unless you have lots of money then you are not useful to anyone and that no one will love you…
Unfortunately, you do not know you are telling yourself this…
You just keep feeling like money is seeping through your fingers and you are always broke, no matter how much money you bring in…
And you cannot let anyone know…
YOU JUST CANNOT LET ANYONE KNOW just how bad things are…
There is an insatiable need to keep producing, keep working, keep stressing…
And when your balance goes beneath a certain level, you cannot even think or sleep until you bring it back up…
You are a slave to money and you do not even know it…
How long do you think you can carry on doing this?
And how much more of your life are you willing to give to this addiction?It is time for you to heal…
It is time for you to see just how much money is controlling you…
You have great amazing dreams of what you want to do with your life but until you break this slavery to money, you will not allow yourself to be free to create wealth WITH purpose…
There is nothing wrong with making money…
NOTHING AT ALL.
But if you are willing to do anything to get it, including deny who you really are and put your true vision on hold just so that you can feel valuable then honey, surely you see that something is wrong.
Yes, you can decide that it does not matter…
YOU JUST WANT MONEY…NOW!
Or you can choose to go after freedom AND true financial abundance…
Always your choice…
I simply offer you a way to BE HAPPY, LOVED AND RICH, rather than just rich.
THE DELIBERATE LIFE is that path
And you are invited to the path
RosemaryNonnyknight.com/deliberatesuccess
Much Amazing Love!