Yesterday was my mother's birthday. She turned 64. As always, she did not want anything special: "don't spend your money on me, buy something for the kids". I hate when she says that. I owe her everything and not buying her a present seems so wrong.
Today I want to speak about her, to write some things that I always wanted to tell her but never did.
My mother is a very strong person, perhaps the strongest woman I've ever met in my life. Sometimes stubborn, sometimes too permisive, she is the one who shaped my personality. Our relationship was not an ideal one... And I suppose it will never be. But this will never break the strong bond between us.
I still remember the beautiful childhood years when we laughed together and always had a great time. Of course, a bad mark at school would start a neverending quarrel between us but I was a diligent pupil so this did not happen often.
Our relationship started to alter when I went to highschool (basically during the teenage years). The first clash we had was when I chose IT despite her wish to study economics. She never missed an opportunity to tell me how wrong I was. But I proved her wrong and finished highschool among the first...what else could I have done since she forbid me to go out with my friends (I believe I was the only teenager who had a ridiculous returning home hour: "while it's still light outside")? I know she did it just because she wanted me to be safe but I would have loved some trust.
After finishing highschool, following my mom's advice, I applied for Law school and Economics. Without her knowledge I also applied for Biochemistry. This is the moment when I think the gap in our relationship really appeared. A gap that took me years to fill and surpass. I was admited to all the schools and my choice shocked her: Biochemistry. It was the second time when I confronted her and this time it was a bitter sweet victory.
I graduated with a good score, met my future husband and moved to a different city. We did not speak too much during this time, me and my mom. She always helped me, but we never had the conversations we used to have before.
While I was searching for a good job and also helping my little sister (she started to study Journalism), the unthinkable happened: my father died in a car crash leaving us completely helpless. Financial issues, four sick grandparents were added to the pain we felt. This was a dark period of my life which I would gladly forget but... This is the time when me and my mom stopped speaking to each other for several years. She got me a job (without asking me) and I said no. I had a better offer but she refused to understand. The job she found for me was in my hometown, low income but I was home.
Within two years I lost my grandparents and it was only me and mom who carried the burden. But we did not speak to each other. Time passed and we started to communicate again....but it was not the same. Reluctant to share our true feelings, our conversations were cold and formal.
Few years later I got married and had my son. This is the moment when I realised that she might have been right about some things. And she only wanted the best for me but I was blinded by the youth adrenaline. This was also the moment when she realised that she could have trusted me. My son was, in fact, the peace angel. 🙂
Today we speak more than an hour daily, we share our feelings and I feel like the happy kid I used to be. The fights we have (of course we still quarrel: I'm a Taurus and she's a Scorpio, both equally stubborn and impulsive) are different though. I learned to shut up and she learned to listen. We both realised that our tumultuous past shaped my character while she is proud of her daughter.
I bought her orchids and lilies, her favourite flowers. She almost refused them as they are too expensive, she has to have a grumble. But I don't care, as long as I have her by my side, I will spoil her and love her, and be thankful for having her in my life.
Happy birthday, dear mom!
I don't think she will read these lines as she does not speak English (just German and French...and I refused to learn German just to annoy her...stupid kid). But I will make sure she knows my feelings without novels or poems. 🙂
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